


Carry On

by AshaCrone



Series: Nesting [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Dysphoria, Canonical Character Death, Genderbending, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Multi, Slash, Threesome - M/M/M, Violence, can't get all the plot holes but just a few please, ending fix fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-25 09:00:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshaCrone/pseuds/AshaCrone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers are here. Derek Shepard must now struggle with uniting allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity while the galaxy burns around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Illusion

  
**Carry On**

Chapter One

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

The boy, the one with the dull blue eyes, was playing. Derek could hear the boy making _shhhhoooo_ and _wooosh_ noises and the occasional deep, metallic growl as he swooped and plunged his toy F-61 Trident fighter over benches and flower boxes in between gales of more laughter. Derek smiled; it had been a long time since he had heard children laughing.

Jane was leaning against the window, dressed in Alliance fatigues and one hand resting casually on her Carnifex pistol. Her scarred face was cast in a frown as she stared at the boy, before turning to her brother and stepping in his line of sight, blocking his view of the outside and the playing child. 

"You don't approve?"

"You were the one who liked kids, not me," she retorted, walking up to him and putting one hand on his shoulder. "If you want to pop one out every year," and she smirked evilly as Derek went pale, opening his mouth to protest, "I won't judge. I'll just call you to take care of them." She knelt in front of him. "But Commander-"

Derek's head jerked upwards, waking him from his doze. Instead of his sister, it was James kneeling in front him, hand on his shoulder.

He was still in Vancouver, in the suite he had been assigned at Alliance Headquarters, sitting in a rocking chair holding his Bean. The baby was a warm weight in Derek's arms as he gummed on Derek's left nipple and cooed to himself.

"Dinner time?" Vega asked, voice just above a whisper as he tapped one sausage sized finger on Bean's straight nose. Derek smiled a bit ruefully, rubbing his own hooked beak. 

"Just a snack." He fought a yawn. "What's up?"

"Defense committee wants to see you," Vega answered, grabbing for the diaper bag, and offering the sling Tali had sent. "Seemed to be in a hurry."

"Sounds important," Shepard answered, giving Bean a pull and winced when Bean gave a hard tug before letting go, and put the newborn into the armored and shielded baby carrier. Tali knew her friend well. It had arrived when Derek had been about six months along, with a small selection of baby things: mostly quarian patterned clothing and blankets.

Alliance R&D had first confiscated then broken down Legion's present, trying to figure out what it did. To his, the tech heads', and Anderson's surprise, its function appeared to be benign, if not a little banal. It produced quarian lullabies, soothing sounds and canceled background noise. One engineer theorized it being a baby monitor, but she couldn't say for sure. 

Derek remembered Legion's mention of the quarians using the geth as domestic servants. That they would have been used to watch children shouldn't have been a surprise. That Legion had been told about his condition, however, caused Derek a swarm of mixed emotions.

Thus far, Bean had been a good sleeper. Derek assumed that it meant the device was working; it knocked Derek out so out fast he didn't even dream.

Vega finished securing Bean while Derek slapped on the adhesive patch that absorbed the leaks over his nipples and fastened his shirt as they walked out of the small suite. People in uniform scurried about, somehow not managing to hit each other (though Shepard did notice some poor man pushed into a window) as they walked the labyrinthine halls. 

"What's going on?"

"Couldn't say," Vega answered. He was on alert, though, eyes scanning the crowd. He hadn't forgiven himself for letting Shepard get kidnapped. "Just told me they needed to see you, now."

Derek nodded as they kept moving, before stopping when a familiar and welcome face waded through the human tide. 

"Anderson," Derek greeted as the man in admiral stripes walked up. Vega snapped a salute, parade ground perfect despite wearing a diaper bag and baby sling. Anderson's face was grim, grabbing Shepard's hand for a shake. His face creased in a harsh, apologetic smile, even as he urged Shepard to follow.

"You're looking good, Derek," Anderson replied. He patted the small belly Derek had yet to get rid of. "Maybe a bit soft around the edges. How's the recovery? And your boy?"

"Bean's ten days old, David," Derek muttered as they jogged through the buzzing halls. "But given the way he eats, I'll lose it in no time." Derek glanced back to see James keeping stride. "He's growing like a weed."

"It's not fair that we're going to need you so soon," Anderson said, not looking back at Shepard as they kept walking. "You should have gotten more time to recover. I'm sorry."

"What's going on, why's everyone in such a hurry?"

"Hackett is mobilizing the fleets." Anderson turned to meet his eyes. "I'm guessing that word has made it to Alliance command that something big is heading our way."

Anderson headed up the stairs, as Derek stopped. His stomach turned into a knot of ice.

"The Reapers?" They wouldn't have pulled him out of house arrest for anything less.

"We don't know." Anderson turned back to look at him. "Not for certain."

"What else could it be?"

"If I knew that..." Anderson trailed off. 

"You know we're not ready if it is them," he reminded the admiral, forcing himself up the stairs. "Not by a long shot."

"Tell that to the Defense Committee."

Shepard growled. "Unless we're planning to talk the Reapers to death, the Committee is a waste of time."

"They're just scared. None of them have seen what you've seen. You've faced down a Reaper. Hell, you spoke to one. Then you blew the damn thing up! You've seen how they harvest us, what they plan to do to us. You know more about this enemy than anyone."

"For all the good it did," Shepard snapped. "I was ignored, _disgraced_ -"

" _Protected_ , and allowed to keep your baby." Anderson turned to Derek, putting one large paw on Shepard's shoulder. "You know damn well that if you had been anyone else, you would have been court-martialed and tossed in the brig, and Bean would already be in foster care or up for adoption. The Committee knows you did what was necessary, Derek."

"That, and your good word?" Shepard tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

"Yeah. I trust you." He put his free hand on Derek's other shoulder and squeezed. "And so does the Committee."

"I'm just a soldier, David, and now I'm a parent. I'm no politician." 

"I don't care what you are," Anderson said, heading back towards the court rooms. "We just need you to do whatever it takes to stop the Reapers. Not just for us, but for Bean as well."

Derek exhaled, watching as James caught up as they went to the court room entrance. 

"Good luck in there, Shepard," James said, patting the bottom of Bean's sling. Derek smiled, then clasped hands with the young soldier. 

"Shepard."

Derek's back stiffened, and he twisted around to clap eyes on one of the two men whose face had kept him up at night. "Kaidan."

Six months had changed the other man. Silver threaded through Kaidan's black hair, even coloring the five o'clock shadow over his jaw. Kaidan held himself differently; with both the confidence and weariness that spoke of experience and command.

Like Derek needed another reason to find him sexy. 

"Major?"

He had imagined this meeting hundreds of times, in the middle of the night when sleep eluded him. Imagined telling both Kaidan and Garrus, asking how they wanted to do this, if they would stick with him through this mad venture. If they didn't... he had resigned himself to the possibility. He hadn't asked for their input, or their wishes, when it had come to having Bean. But in all of those scenarios, he had never thought... 

"You hadn't heard?" 

Derek took Bean's sling from James. "No. I've been a bit out of the loop these days." He patted Bean's backside, rocking back and forth. He searched Kaidan's eyes for recognition, and the sense of betrayal he felt when he came back with _nothing_ made him ill. "Have you spoken to Liara?"

"No. She wouldn't tell me anything when I tried to get hold of her." Kaidan's face was blank.

Derek turned to look at David. "Anderson?" He couldn't believe it. "You _promised_ me you would-"

Anderson wouldn't meet his eyes, but his cheeks flushed in chagrin. "We need to talk to the committee, Shepard. There's no-"

"One minute, Admiral." He squeezed Bean, who creaked a small protest at the rough treatment. Derek patted him in apology. "You owe me that much." 

"I- fine. One minute."

The sight of Kaidan, his realization of what was going on as Derek thrust Bean into his arms, introducing them and wishing to say so much _more_. He wished he could tell Kaidan about the first time Bean had stared then smiled (so damn early!) or that he had gotten the hiccups for two days straight. That so far, Bean had liked the band Kansas so much more than Frank Sinatra. That he had tried so hard to get messages to Kaidan, letting him know about Bean.

But there was no more time, and he was heading back up the stairs with Anderson to speak with the Committee... and that was the last thing he remembered clearly before the screams.

~*~*~*~*~

"You okay, Major?" Vega asked, frog-marching Kaidan to a bench as Shepard disappeared from view.

Kaidan didn't answer. He certainly didn't notice when a vibrating silence fell through the entrance to the courtrooms, all eyes turning towards the monitors. His only coherent thought was _he looks like my Dad_. Gabriel, or Bean as his (mother? birth-father?) Shepard called him, had Kaidan's nose. Derek's eyes. Definitely had his Dad's ears and forehead. The jaw was Derek's, though, stubborn and set as he stared up at Kaidan with utter disdain. 

Then, against all logic and sense, the baby smiled. 

That was when the shrieks began. 

"Shit, Major, get down!" Vega roared, diving on top of the other man to shield him and Bean as the Reaper dropped through the thick cloud cover of Vancouver. A moment later the building imploded as the red, molten metal of the Reaper's main gun cut through the steel and concrete.

Kaidan had instinctively curled around the baby's carrier, getting his head and back bruised as the shockwave of the explosion sent them skidding across the floor in a pile. 

Either through divine providence or luck, they were spared the debris falling from the ceiling as the two soldiers got to their feet. All around them, bodies were strewn like broken dolls. The smell of cooked meat filled the air. Bean was wailing, mixing with the cacophony of alarms and sirens and the distant, pained calls for help. 

Kaidan didn't know a damn thing about calming a baby, and at that moment... all he felt was rage. The same rage that had made him snap back in brain camp. The kind he had first felt on Eden Prime, when he had chosen to use his biotics to kill, to no longer hold back. He already hated the Reapers, but now... 

He opened the bag, looking at the baby's small, tomato red face as he howled in fear. "Shhh, shh, you're okay." He hoped. Vega came up and took the carrier while Kaidan gently felt for soft spots, searched for punctures, bruises. Beyond being the softest creature Kaidan had ever touched, there were no injuries or abnormalities. "I'm a medic, I'll make sure you're okay..."

There was a buzzing in his ear as a voice forced its way through the static. " _This is Admiral Anderson. Report in, anyone!_ "

"Alenko here," Kaidan answered as Vega took Bean, giving him a small bounce and a back rub, humming as he rocked the baby.

" _Major, is that you? What's your status? How's Bean?_ "

"I've got-" he glanced at Vega's tags, they hadn't been formally introduced- "Lieutenant Vega with me. I think the baby is fine." 

" _I can't raise the Normandy._ " The walls, shards of glass, all of it was burning. Kaidan looked around- most of the people around them were not moving. " _You'll have to contact them. We'll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out._ "

Right. Kaidan checked his exits, saw that flaming wreckage blocked most of the hall, and then to the hole in the side of the building. 

Kaidan wasn't the type of man to be willfully blind. He hadn't been there when Shepard had spoken to Sovereign, but he _had_ been there when Sovereign had taken control of Saren like a marionette from hell. He had always believed Shepard, even when he feared that Cerberus was using the Reaper threat to control his lover. Yet he had never realized how much part of him had wished Shepard was wrong. Shepard's vindication left a bitter taste on his tongue.

As fire rained from the sky, something flew by on ragged wings while the baby continued to cry. 

"He wants his Papa," Vega muttered. "I don't think I can quiet him. We're going to have to put him in the bag and go. Good thing the bag seals up and has its own life support system."

"Where did that come from?" They were already looking for a route to climb down. The mass of twisted masonry and slagged metal actually made them easy to find. 

"The tag said it was from 'Auntie Tali.'"

" _Tali_ knew?" Kaidan looked at him in shock. "Who else?"

"Well, there was this weird block thing was apparently from 'Auntie Legion'-"

"What?" They landed on the floor below, which was open to walking through. They weren't that far from where the Normandy was dry docked, now. " _Auntie_ -"

"Hey-"

Kaidan remembered his first meeting with husks, back on Eden Prime. The sight of human forms converted to circuitry, glowing blue and moaning like the undead made him want to gag. Even after finding out had happened to the Protheans, he had never considered what the Reapers might do to other species. He had never wondered- but now he knew.

He struck, hitting them first with a cryo-blast from his omni-tool, drawing his Predator pistol.

"Yeah, I haven't shown you the best present yet," Vega said, a harsh grin on his face as he reached into the diaper bag. 

It was huge. Golden. Krogan. A Graal Spike thrower. 

"And this was from Auntie Jack!" Vega said, racking the shotgun and firing at the batarian husks. They shattered into meaty chunks. 

Kaidan found himself laughing. Around him was death and destruction, the scream of Reapers in the distance... but this kid? This kid was all right. They might just get out of there alive.

~*~*~*~*~

They had gotten to the Normandy, and in turn the Normandy had almost died in the explosion of the SSV Tai Shan. Only Joker's skills and EDI's detection let them find where the Admiral and Shepard had gone, holding their position against waves of Cannibals as they fell from the sky.

Kaidan had snatched up an Avenger rifle when they had found the two, leaving Vega holding the baby as they hovered, the cargo bay door opening. He tagged one of the guards to help him cover Shepard and Anderson.

The sight of Shepard dashing towards the Normandy made his heart soar. This, this moment, was why Derek _existed_. The man had been born for this role; to lead the galaxy against this madness.

Shepard leapt, and Kaidan caught him, a smile splitting his face. Because and despite the invasion. 

"Welcome aboard, Shepard."

Derek's smile shone through the dried blood and grime on his face. "Thanks."

He didn't even notice when the Admiral paused. "Shepard."

"Come on!"

"I'm not going." The Admiral was looking at both himself as well as Derek, eyes contemplative. "You saw those men back there. There's a million like them, and they need a leader."

"Then I'm staying. We're in this fight together, David!"

"This isn't a fight we can win, Derek. Not without help. We need every species, and all their ships, if we're going to have a chance defeating the Reapers." The Admiral took a deep breath, his eyes fixing on Derek's face. "Talk to the Council." His eyes flicked back to Kaidan and back. "Convince them to help us."

"What if they won't listen?" 

"Then make them listen. Get off world and take care of that baby. Now go! That's an order!" Kaidan saw Anderson's face go still. The face of a man trying to hide his own grief.

"I don't take orders from you anymore, _remember_?" Derek snarled, waving his Avenger rifle. 

Anderson sighed, reaching into his pockets to pull out a pair of dog tags. He looked down at them, clenching them in his fist. "Then consider yourself reinstated," he tossed the N7 tags. " _Commander_. You know what you have to do."

Derek caught the tags, eying them. "I'll come back for you," he said, voice cracking. Kaidan's eyes flicked back to see Derek almost in tears. "And I'll bring every fleet I can." He turned to head inside the Normandy, then turned back to Anderson. "Good luck."

"You too, Derek. You too."

They lifted into the air as Anderson walked back down into the debris field, the door shutting behind them. That was the moment when the baby's angry wail cut through the Reaper snarls and groans, echoing against the cargo bay walls.

"Oh, _Bean_ ," Derek said, turning from burdened Commander to mother in the space of an instant. Vega had opened the baby sling, bring the ten day old out into the open air. Kaidan followed, noting with some relief that evac shuttles were already dropping down into their landing zone. They were working quickly, trying to get people in.

"I'm here, beautiful," Derek murmured, and the heart-broken cries cut off as Derek pulled Bean to his chest, the baby's face to his neck as he crooned. " _As I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever..._ "

That was when they all heard the sound of the two shuttles exploding.

Kaidan exhaled, putting his arms around both Derek and the infant as the Normandy's doors closed. 

" _But I flew too_..." Derek stopped. He couldn't finish it. 

No one could say anything. There was nothing to say.

The Reapers had finally arrived.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. And now, I want to explain something. Bad form in writing, I know, but there it is. 
> 
> I've had several conflicting ideas on where to take this fic, which has been shaping in my mind for just about a year now. The question, of course, is where and when to jump the rails. This story is already an AU, but it never went that far off the beaten path. Most of ME2's events happened, even if I did edit them to my own purposes. 
> 
> In other words, I'm trying to decide how many plot holes to fill, and what threads I saw in the earlier games to use. If anyone has found my blog you'll see me agonizing over this, because I really have trouble with several of the end-game plot points in ME3. What I'm afraid of then is making the story worse. 
> 
> So, if you have an issue with a plot or spot a hole in my reasoning, let me know. This story is unbeta'd, and I've not been bouncing it off anyone. I want it to be decent, if not good, and I appreciate the feedback. 
> 
> Thank you for joining me on this ride.


	2. Claim to be a Wise Man

  
**Carry On**  
Chapter Two

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

"Should you even be here?"

Derek was happy for the breather helmet that hid his grimace as he leapt out of the Kodiak, and on to the rust-orange soil of Mars. He was followed by Kaidan and James a bare second later. "You heard Hackett, Kaidan. Someone needs to get to Liara and find whatever it is she might have. And I don't think the Alliance desk jockeys are going to care too much who gets it, even if I was on trial."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it." Derek didn't look back at Kaidan as he modded his ammo. "Alliance gives most women six weeks, minimum, of maternity leave before even resuming _light_ duties. Most get six months to a year. Paternity leave isn't much less. I'm not questioning your legality, your loyalty, _or_ your skills. I'm questioning if you're going to be able to _run_ if you have to."

Derek chuckled. It wasn't a happy sound. "It has to be me, Kaidan." He sighed. "You and I both know that... and as to my body, I'm," he paused, deciding to be honest. "I'm not one hundred percent, but I'm better off than a civvie. My muscle weaves mean my abdominals have mostly recovered, and I was in pretty good shape before and after." He didn't mention the frustrating moment when he tried to put on the N7 armor and found his swollen chest was almost too tight to fit and had to bind himself down, or that his perineum still ached. He supposed he should have been happy he hadn't actually developed breasts. "I've died and come back, and survived childbirth without any kind of pain meds-"

" _Why the fuck didn't you have pain medication?_ "

"Major, focus." Derek nodded towards the roiling dust storm heading their way. 

"Damn, that's one huge storm. Looks a lot bigger in person," Derek heard James mutter as they headed towards the base.

"Pretty average for Mars, actually," Kaidan added, flanking Derek and looking around. The wind whistled over their sensors, sand settling into their armor as they advanced towards the Archive.

"Glad you're so optimistic."

"We've got Reapers invading, the station here is offline and I found out _I'm_ a _father_ all on the same day. Forgive me if a little dust storm seems the least of our worries," Kaidan grumbled. "God. Ten days."

Shepard could feel James' eyes, even if he didn't see them. "I hear ya."

Derek tried to ignore them, and brought himself back to focus on the task at hand. It was harder than he would have imagined. The physical pain was negligible after all he had been through, but he had never been away from Bean for more than a few minutes since his birth. That emptiness ached worse than any wound. He had to force himself to believe that Cortez, their ersatz babysitter, was trustworthy. James vouched for him, at least.

They continued on, walking around the edge of the dig site and down a ladder.

"What's this?" They turned to find a slumped form in blue armor, loosely clutching a Mantis sniper rifle.

"Sergeant Reeves," Kaidan replied, kneeling to look the dead Alliance soldier over. Derek kept scanning; the squat buildings of the Mars Archive laid out like a sidewinder in front of him. This didn't quite jive with his memories: as far as he had been aware, the Prothean outpost on Mars had been little more than a small data cache. They must have dug up something else, very recently.

They didn't have time to do more than acknowledge that something had surprised Reeves... something that obviously wasn't a Reaper. 

That something was Cerberus. Cerberus, in ghoulish death masks and surrounding the last remaining Alliance soldier on his knees. The leader examined his SMG before pointing it at their prisoner's head, and firing without hesitation.

"Holy _shit_ ," James hissed as they all ducked into cover. "They're executing them!" 

Derek didn't answer, just frowned; he _hated_ being right sometimes, and he hadn't wanted to admit that a part of him had hoped he was wrong about the Illusive Man. Glancing back at James, he nodded for the soldier to toss a grenade. It took out the entire squad before he sprinted, charging the remaining soldiers.

It was almost too easy to take out the remainders- they had lined up in cover behind their vehicle and one good biotic charge, combined with Kaidan's reave and a nova, knocked them over and dead like bleeding bowling pins. 

"That was Cerberus, wasn't it?" James asked. "What are they doing here?" He kicked the one who had done the executing in the balls as they walked past.

"Good question." Though the answer was obvious: they wanted what Shepard had come to get. "A better question is _why_."

"You don't know?" Kaidan asked, following from behind.

Derek stiffened. "I'm not _with_ them anymore, if that's what you mean," he snapped. 

"It's not." Kaidan, to his surprise, didn't become defensive. "You worked with them for nearly a year. It stands to reason you would have a better idea of their methods and goals than we would," he said as they continued inching up the rise towards the entrance of the base. 

"Hell," Shepard muttered, rubbing at his hips. Even running that far had made him hurt, but at least he wasn't out of breath the way he would have been before his incarceration. "Sorry. Cerberus has been a sore spot, especially since Bean was born. But from what I knew about Cerberus was that they operated in task-oriented cells, with the Illusive Man having personal oversight with each one. Beyond that, my best guess? They want what we want, whatever the hell that is. What I want to know is why the Illusive Man isn't towing the company line anymore."

"So this isn't just some incredible coincidence? Good to know." 

"Look out!" James warned, when they came up on another group of troops and their transports. With the odds merely being four to three, the fight was over in a few shots, two charges and one nova. 

"Doesn't look like they were here in force. They must have had help from the inside." They looked over the transports to get an idea of what they would face within the compound. 

"Agreed. They couldn't have taken this place with anything less than a full battalion."

They crept into the air lock, noting that this last group must have been the rear guard. Derek went to the control interface.

"Shepard, I need you to be honest with me," Kaidan burst out as air rushed in to pressurize the room. "When you and I talked on the Normandy, before I left for Grissom Academy... did you know? That you were pregnant, I mean? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I _did_ try to tell you," Derek answered, leaning on one of the rails and looking away."I begged Liara _and_ Anderson to let you know. Anderson had even promised you would be there when I was supposed to be induced today. Unfortunately, maybe fortunately, Bean likes to be early." He exhaled, as they hauled off their helmets and hung them on their belts. "As for me knowing..."

Derek looked back to Kaidan. "I didn't set out to get pregnant. Hell, you even saw me take a morning after pill and we were pretty damn careful the rest of the time." Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard saw James walk to a corner, hunching his shoulders and turning his head. He had the impression the other man wanted to stick his fingers in his ears and hum real loud. "But I didn't know, not for sure. Subconsciously, I guessed." He rubbed his forehead. "That voice that tells you things you don't want to know, to see, she pointed it out." He leaned against a rail. "As to why I went through with it..." He trailed off. "The Reapers are here. Would I ever get another chance?"

"You asked Liara to tell me?" Kaidan frowned, crossing his arms. "And Garrus?"

"Yes." The room finished pressurizing, opening into the garage. "Come on. We need to figure out what the hell Cerberus is doing here."

"Right- and speak of the devil."

They ducked into cover, seeing the very asari they spoke of drop out of a vent with two snarling assault troopers fall behind her. She leapt over a fuel drum before whipping around, flinging out a singularity to sweep them up. A quick double-tap as the singularity collapsed finished off the two grunts, and all three men came out of cover.

"Easy, LT," Shepard said, swatting James' rifle towards the deck. "She's with us." He turned to Liara, who was breathing hard and dusting off her filthy white uniform. "I think."

"Shepard," Liara answered, walking close and wiping dust from her face. "Thank the goddess you're alive."

"Liara," Shepard said, softly, tilting his head to the side. He had no idea what to make of her. 

"I was worried when I heard the reports. Is Gabriel safe?" she asked, ringing her hands. "The Reapers hit Earth hard?"

"Yeah." Kaidan walked up, eyes narrowed to slits. "And you have some explaining to do."

"What?" Liara backed away from both men. "Yes, of course. Can I assume Hackett sent you here?"

"Hallelujah. More answers, less drama," James muttered as they headed towards the window. 

"Maybe?" She gestured with her chin towards the archives. "I've... discovered plans for a Prothean device. One that could wipe out the Reapers."

"On Mars?" This was a sore point for Derek. "Last I heard, it was just an outpost."

Her face eased into a smile. "The orb you gave me? I was able to use my connections in Cerberus... and other places... to trace the locations of some major Prothean ruins. While humanity found the small, surface cache thirty years ago, we recently were able to find this. A major Prothean archive. And inside we found a way to defeat the Reapers."

"How did we find it?" 

"Process of elimination, mixed with a little desperation, and a lot of your luck." She nodded to Shepard. "Your orb seemed to have contained part of the plans, and we found the rest here." A desperate, tired smile lit her face. "After you gave me the orb I contacted Hackett, offering my services as the Shadow Broker. We worked together, trying to find a way to stop the Reapers. After we discovered this place, Hackett got me access to this place and I've been working here ever since." She looked out the window. "I had made plans to visit you today. But then I heard that Cerberus tried to kidnap you and take Gabriel-"

" _What_ -"

"I'll fill you in later." Shepard put a hand on the suddenly pale Kaidan, the turned back to Liara. "I might have been able to help translate." He tapped the side of his head. "But I wasn't in any shape to travel." 

Liara nodded. "In any case, all of that effort paid off. This archive is full of an overwhelming amount of data. I think I found what we need."

Derek grunted. "I guess I'll believe it when I see it." He turned away from Liara. "Where do we find this weapon?"

"It's not a weapon, not yet. It's plans for a device. A blueprint."

"It's more than we had a moment ago. And that's what Cerberus is after?"

"Yes." Liara pointed. "The archives, and the plans for the device, are across the tramway, provided that Cerberus hasn't locked it down yet." 

"Right." The sound of a blowtorch working its way through the doors cut Shepard off. Derek looked back at Kaidan, who was glaring daggers at Liara. "And we can hear your explanation for not telling Kaidan when I _begged_ you to tell him about what happened to me later. Right now, we've got company."

"Bring it on," Vega said, voice a low growl as he checked his rifle. Derek shook his head, telling him to go to the shuttle. James obeyed, pouting, but he obeyed.

Derek watched Liara out of the corner of his eye as they scattered into cover, wondering how they had come to this, and hoping they would have the opportunity to find out. They just have to live long enough to do it.

And damn it, his letdown reflex was starting to act up.

To be continued.

Questions, comments and critiques are welcome and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One of the issues with playing Mass Effect 3 has been distinguishing between what I interpreted as actually there, and what the writers wanted or intended. This has been the case with Liara and others, but what I'm saying here primarily pertains to Liara.
> 
> From a Doyalist perspective, it is understandable why so much of the romance and friendship dialogue is the same in both games. It is expensive to produce different dialogue for different situations. Yet from a Watsonian perspective, the story that comes out of a friendship-pursued Liara can have several undertones that can come off as anything from wistful to stalkerish, depending on personal interpretation. 
> 
> It is canon that Liara is in love with Shepard, even in the first game. That she fights so hard to get Shepard's body for Cerberus, that she does so much work for Shepard as the Shadow Broker, the near-kiss in LotSB that happens if she is not romanced; all of it indicates that Liara's feelings for Shepard are far more than platonic. 
> 
> Then we get to how Liara becomes the de facto XO of the Normandy without your say-so in ME3, her conversation with Aethyta if you pursue the paragon options, the moment she 'writes Shepard's name in the stars'... Depending on how you have treated Liara in the previous games, this can come off as very uncomfortable. And while some of this has been corrected in later patches, it was still there on my first few playthroughs and severely colored my feelings on Shepard and Liara's relationship.
> 
> That is the perspective I am pursuing here as a subplot. Liara is a character I enjoyed very much, and it is not my intention to bash her, but rather to pursue an alternative interpretation of her character. However, this is a delicate balancing act. If you feel I have made a mistake or made her too OOC, please let me know in the comments or email me about it. I welcome any input on this matter.


	3. Winds of Fortune

  
**Carry On**

Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

_Liara had been to the Citadel several times over the years. First with her mother, and later, she would visit during her breaks during college when she needed inspiration. Her later studies had carried her away on digs and backwaters that often had a very different flavor than the Citadel (why she hadn't noticed, she really didn't understand.) Then she had returned, this time with Shepard. It had been like visiting for the first time. She had rarely spoken to anyone, though, at any of those trips._

_Then she had become an information broker, and then the Broker herself._

_And now she had gotten an invitation from someone with almost the same mythic reputatation._

_"Oh, Doctor T'Soni!" the young human acolyte said, clapping her hands together. "I was told to expect you. Welcome!"_

_A few years ago there would never have been a human standing as the greeter for the Consort. A few years ago, there would never have been humans so well respected, so bold in their dealings. A few years ago, she would not have been walking in to the Consort's quarters as an equal, treated with respect and just a touch of fear._

_She had left her body guard at the door with a hint of trepidation. She was still armed, but despite his best efforts, the previous Shadow Broker had never managed to get a spy or a listening device installed within the Consort's chambers. She took a small amount of comfort in that the Consort's invitation had been for Doctor T'Soni, and not the Shadow Broker. However well connected the Consort was, she didn't know of Liara's recent promotion in rank._

_The room the young acolyte had lead her to was well appointed in the asari style, with comfortable divans, tasteful sculptures and bubbly, soothing music in the background. Liara took a seat, smiling blandly when she was offered a cup of steaming pink asari tea. She pretended to sip and nodded as the young woman bowed and left the room._

_There were no hints that the Consort had admirers around the galaxy. There was nothing to suggest the Consort's subtle but enormous political influence on the Council and the asari government. Just a mask of elegant luxury that shut out all the fears and pains of the outside galaxy. A place for others to hide, and unburden their secrets, to the one woman who promised to never share them._

_Then Liara's eyes landed on something that was out of place. Something deliberate- there was no such thing as an_ accident _with someone like herself or the Consort- placed just out of sight. Something that made Liara's heart clench and her throat close._

_A small holo of two asari maidens. One was dressed in scientist scrubs, and was the pale sky blue of an asari pureblood: a much younger Benezia. The second, one arm slung over her companion was a grin splitting her face and dressed in commando leathers..._

_"Greetings, Doctor T'Soni," the Consort offered, walking in and holding a datapad. "We have much to discuss."_

~*~*~*~*~

Kaidan had been a soldier for the past sixteen years. In that time, he had fought pirates, mercenaries, and later things like creepers, geth, husks and even a Reaper. His muscle memory was more than adequate when it came to regular foes like Cerberus troops. His reflexes had him lurching behind a vehicle for cover, while half a lifetime of controlling his biotic abilities helped him shove the maelstrom of his emotions into a tightly controlled ball, out of the way.

But Kaidan knew that wouldn't last long. Hard earned experienced had taught him that the key to keeping his cool was venting those emotions in a steady, controlled manner. If the right time and place didn't present itself, he would explode. Worse, he could get careless.

Like right now, with Cerberus troops firing at them. He had to fight down the part that wanted to stand there and scream at Liara, at Shepard, even at the goddamn Reapers for all the good it would do. It railed and bashed at his mental bars, complaining at the unfairness of the situation. 

Still, Cerberus went down quickly. Liara's Singularity, combined with Shepard's Pull and his own Reave sent a biotic detonation that wiped out the small squad in moments. 

"What happened here?" Kaidan asked, as Shepard found a way up to the second level. Liara hesitated, then shrugged.

"I don't know. One minute were we getting reports of the Reapers attacking Earth, and the next, everything was chaos," she answered, as they clambered and leapt across vehicles and lifts. 

"Do you think Cerberus is working with the Reapers?"

"Not purposefully, no," Shepard answered, sliding across the railing and walking towards the exit. "But given the reckless way the Illusive Man was throwing people at Reaper tech? It wouldn't surprise me if the whole organization was indoctrinated by now."

There was a difference in Cerberus tactics, Kaidan noted, but Shepard fought like a fiend, blowing through enemies with an almost reckless abandon. Mother bear, he noted, wanted to get back to her cub. Then he realized how he had labeled Derek, even in his own head, and tried to shake the thought loose. He was less than successful.

"Who's in the vid?" Kaidan asked, once they got to the control station. Liara was trying to open the security terminal while Derek worked on the pedway controls and he kept guard. There was a woman, dressed in a skin tight jumpsuit, intent on the security console's controls in the vid. Not a live feed, but...

"That's Doctor Eva Core´. She got here last week."

"Huh." Derek looked up at that. "Really? Was she vetted?" 

"Don't be absurd, Shepard. She came with excellent credentials," Liara snapped, turning back to him. Derek eyeballed her. "My contacts vouched for her."

"Really. You were in the field of Prothean research before humanity knew that the Protheans existed. Did you ever read one of her papers? Meet her at a conference?" Shepard said, and Kaidan could hear the incredulity in his voice. Shepard sounded like a big brother giving little sister a lecture on That Boy. "Liara, _look_ at her. Look at her hands. Look at her _clothes_. What archaeologist _doesn't have pockets?_ "

Liara crossed her arms. "Even if you are angry at me, I'm still a _very good_ information broker, Shepard."

"And I'm not saying you aren't. I'm saying that a human woman, here, a week before a Cerberus attack, wearing something no sane archaeologist would wear, having perfect hair and makeup? Seems pretty damn suspicious. You can make mistakes, Liara." He exhaled. "Come on. Pedway's been locked out."

"There's construction on the roof, we can get out that way."

Kaidan took the rear guard, Shepard on point and Liara between them as they masked and went outside. The storm rode closer, cutting off their communications with Vega and the Normandy. And his worried thoughts tugged like an undertow beneath his calm demeanor. 

Reapers invading. _Millions_ of civilians dead. Baby. Shepard freed. God, his _parents_ , his students, he had no idea what was happening back on Earth. At least he was out doing something, _anything_ , instead of sitting waiting for orders. At least... at least his son was safe. God, why, why here, why _now_?

They continued to the next building towards the tramway to find that Cerberus had killed all the civilians inside by depressurizing the building. Bodies of the scientists were laid out like dropped puppets, some with their fingers bloodied from clawing at the doors, all with looks of horror on their faces. If he hadn't been almost stepping on Derek's heels, Kaidan would have missed Derek's stutter step and shudder. Kaidan's mind blanked before remembering that this was how Derek had died, on the original Normandy. His stomach twisted.

They found the killers: a group of Cerberus soldiers talking about the squad of Alliance in the building. They were dispatched in a matter of moments, Shepard smashing into them to take them out. 

They got to the lab control room. And found a recording of what actually happened before the attack.

Kaidan had been watching Liara's face instead of the monitor, and saw her jaw drop to the point of hitting the floor when Doctor Core´ shot both soldiers with quick, precise shots. Her cheeks flushed purple, looking to the side.

"I'm sorry. You were right. I should have known from the moment I spoke to her," she said, getting up and leaning over a console in chagrin. Kaidan had taken up a post guarding the rear. "I was just so focused on defeating the Reapers..."

"You didn't know, and the only thing we need to focus on right now is stopping the Reapers." Kaidan glanced back to see Derek rubbing his face. 

"And what if you're wrong?" her voice took on a soft, high note. A child asking for reassurances against the monsters in the dark. "What if these are our last days and we're just spending them, scurrying around, trying to solve a problem we can't fix?"

"Come on, Liara."

Kaidan remembered Shepard asking him, once, to lie to him. Even if there really wasn't a way to stop Sovereign, Derek had needed to hear it. That everything would be all right. Kaidan wondered how many times Shepard had returned the favor, telling everyone that they would survive when he saw the danger ahead of them. And how often they had succeeded because of the hope that lie had inspired.

"I know. I shouldn't think that way. I don't know how you do it." She turned to him, then paused, staring at Derek with the same star-struck admiration that had made him itch on the first Normandy. "You've always stayed focused, even in the worst situations."

Derek blinked. "I didn't realize I was that good of an actor." He gave her a lopsided smile. "But when there's so much at stake, I think about what I would lose if I fail: Bean, Kaidan, Garrus, my friends. That gives me strength."

"That's a terrible burden." She looked at him, crossing her arms and looking at him like he was mad.

"We'll do this, Liara. Together." He hesitated, then took her hand. She flinched and turned away.

"Thanks. I want to believe you," she whispered. "I've got access to the tramway and labs." She stepped away and towards the doors, not looking back.

"Good." Kaidan saw Derek staring at him, vulnerable and guarded. As he passed by, Kaidan grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. 

"A burden shared is halved, you know?"

The quick kiss, a feather light brush of the lips, caught him by surprise, but Kaidan welcomed it.

~*~*~*~*~

Kaidan was pretty damn proud of that bit of cleverness: finding a short range transmitter to fool the remaining Cerberus squads. Of course, he sort of blamed that on being an old school science fiction fan; at least he hadn't suggested stealing Cerberus uniforms.

There were enough bodies to choose from, as he checked the helmets to see if they were intact. Still, Shepard's tendency towards headshots with his shotgun made finding helmet radios more difficult than he would have expected. 

"My god. He looks like a husk."

"Yeah, not quite." Derek knelt down, looking at it. "But they've definitely done something to him."

"And by them, you mean Cerberus?" Kaidan was appalled. "They would do that to their own guy?"

Derek looked up at him and lifted an eyebrow. "Obviously." He grunted, face flashing in pain as he got up from his squat. Kaidan caught his arm to help him up. "I guessed the Illusive Man's agenda was less than savory, but I hadn't realized they were doing this to their grunts." He rubbed pain-sweat off his face. 

"Is this what they did to you?"

Derek shuddered, then shook his head. "I don't think so, but the comparison is... I try not to think about it too much, Kaidan." He gave himself a quick rub. "Hell, I didn't start to feel human again, really feel human again, until I felt Bean kick for the first time." A small smile creased his face. "Then he tap-danced on my bladder for four months."

"God." Kaidan laughed, weakly. "What was it like?" They finished prying out the radio. 

"There's too much to tell," Derek answered, voice barely above a whisper. "Painful. Terrifying. Worth it."

Kaidan shook his head, shaking as he chuckled. "Right. You know I know _nothing_ about babies?"

Shepard laughed again, before holding the radio to his mouth. "Here goes nothing."

Getting through across the tramway and into the tram control was... easy enough. This group was not expecting three specialists, and no one expected Commander Shepard. Five minutes later they were at the door to the archive, looking at each other and heading inside.

The room was a circle, built around a central chamber filled with Prothean pillars. Jagged streaks of light split the muddy green metal, its construction contrasting the stark human architecture. It bore a similar aesthetic to the Eden Prime beacon, the one that had started this whole mess. Beyond that, Kaidan was lost.

This time, there was no Ashley to peer into it, he thought. To take that one step too close.

Derek gestured for Kaidan to keep guard while Liara, who knew the station's protocols, tried to unlock the data they needed.

Kaidan's mind stayed on 'scan,' wondering if there were any more surprises left from Cerberus. They had only brought three, four transports worth of troops. They had to be out.   
And that was when the Illusive Man decided to speak up.

~*~*~*~

"Shepard."

Derek and Liara both whirled around as the archive schematic flickered. The image of the archives dissolved, forming into a familiar tall form, clad in a luxurious suit and pinching at his ever-present cigarette.

"What do you want?" Shepard spat. 

"Is that any way to talk to your old benefactor?" the Illusive Man said, amused, taking a long drag off his cigarette. "You know what I want, Shepard. What I've always wanted." His eyes lifted towards the Prothean archives. "The data in these artifacts hold the key ending the Reaper threat." He exhaled, the smoke making motes around his hologram. "I want the same thing you do, Shepard. Show a little gratitude."

"Gratitude? _Gratitude_? You turn your people into monsters, you risk your sanity _and theirs_ by studying indoctrination and _then you tried to steal my son!_ I might have given you a fair hearing before but now? Are you kidding me?"

"Ah. _Indoctrination_ ," The Illusive Man purred as he flicked his cigarette, scattering ash that disappeared outside of the QEC disk. "Funny you should bring that up. You _would_ know about indoctrination, wouldn't you? After all... You have spent more time with Reaper artifacts than most. Even going on to a dead Reaper." His eyes and smile turned cruel. "Spent two days unconscious beside a Reaper indoctrination device. Perhaps it is best that you were a tool meant to be used once, then discarded. Perhaps studied, due to your exposure to the Reapers." He sneered. 

"Still, _despite_ you adventures in deviant anatomy, I will give you credit for your moderate successes."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Earth is under siege and you are trying to yank my chain? You're trying to study indoctrination? Are you mad?"

"You always were shortsighted." The Illusive Man, for the first time, looked annoyed. "Your destruction of the Collector base proves that. Where you see a means to destroy... I see a way to _control_..."

This was going on for far too long. Derek glanced back towards the console. "Liara." He paused, noting that her eyes were fixed on him, wide with something he didn't understand. He nodded for her to continue gathering the data. "This is getting us nowhere."

She nodded, hesitated, then went back to work. 

"I would talk to you if you were going to give me your resources. Work with us because the entire galaxy is at stake. Not even Cerberus can stand alone."

The Illusive Man grimaced. "You would do better than most, but like the rest of the artifacts here, your time is over." He looked up at the archives. "Find some place to hide and play mother for the rest of the short time you have. Your time as a soldier is over."

Shepard reached for his shotgun. "Go to hell."

"Shepard! The data- it's being erased!" Liara cried, her fingers dancing in a frantic race to finish their download. Derek turned to her. Then it clicked.

"Where's the doctor?" he asked... just as Kaidan was kicked into a wall and the woman in the skin tight cat suit streaked by, running like a bat out of hell with Cerberus instead of the Alliance on her heels.

"She must have gotten the data!" Liara said, as all three of them took off after her. 

Derek's HUD scanned her and told him that her shields were strong, but she was lightly armored. "Kaidan, overload!" 

She didn't hold still as they ran through the airlock, and something else clicked in Derek's mind as well. Whomever this woman was, she wasn't wearing a helmet. Outside. _On Mars_.  
"She's not human!" he barked over the coms, as Kaidan again tried to overload her shields. They flickered, but regenerated almost as soon as they lost strength. Derek kept running, barely rolling in time to avoid a plasma burst from the doctor's omni-tool.

"She's getting away!" Liara yelped as Derek got back to his feet, limping a few steps before regaining his stride. Adrenaline did great things for ignoring pain. 

They saw her escape shuttle before driving it off, and the doctor continued running. Liara paused, taking out a piece of her shields with her SMG, but a moment later they were back to full strength. "Shit."

They dodged under the roof landing pad, rolling away from another plasma burst and Shepard saw her head towards the ladder. Reaching back, he grabbed Kaidan and Liara, hauling them close to his chest, and _charged_.

The first time Shepard had tried a biotic charge with a passenger, it had been Legion. The second time, it had been with Kaidan. He had also been pregnant, even if he hadn't known it. That, he reckoned, should have been the reason for the nausea.

God was he wrong. 

His stomach stewed and thrashed, letting him know in no uncertain terms there would be hell to pay later. But they were three steps ahead, between the doctor and her shuttle. He dropped his squad, leaping and tackling the doctor. 

It was like head-butting Wrex. Yet she staggered, twisting in his grip as he tried to grapple with her and drag her back. She pulled out a pistol, but Derek batted it aside before she struck, laying a haymaker that dropped him on his back.

"James," he wheezed, seeing stars as Liara used her biotics to drag some crates down between the doctor and her shuttle. "Normandy. Anybody-"

The Cerberus spy leapt, whirling around to stare at them-

When a streak of blue announced the arrival of an Alliance Kodiak shuttle, hammering into the other one and sending everyone off their feet and rolling to avoid the collision. 

Derek grunted, shaking his head as he tried to get up. Swallowing down disorientation and bile, he first checked on Kaidan and then Liara, before standing up to wave Vega in. He exhaled, focusing on the fact that they _finally got that damned data-_

He was hunched over and limping as he walked over to James, trying to keep the tarmac under his feet. To his relief the Normandy was en route. He almost gave himself some medi-gel, and decided against it. They had a decent supply, but things were going to hell. He could wait. Following the thought that he needed to check on Liara and Kaidan, he walked around the parked shuttle.

Only to have his heart jerked out and dangled before him as the doctor- the _mech_ \- emerged from the flaming rubble of the Cerberus shuttle, dashing towards Kaidan and lifting him in the air despite him getting a few good shots. 

Then it paused, swinging Kaidan up and holding him as a shield. It hesitated, briefly- just a moment- Kaidan's hands scrambling up for purchase, anything-

And Derek looked at his HUD.

"UNSHIELDED!" Derek barked into his com, as the mech reared back, about to slam the Sentinel into the shuttle-

When Kaidan reached out, omni-tool forming to deliver a EMP burst directly into the mech's face. It slowed, fingers freezing as momentum carried Kaidan out of her grip and into the shuttle. He slid down the side, breath coming in ragged pants that were obvious even over the coms. Then the mech shuddered, small sparks flying off its chassis a moment before it collapsed, smoking, at Kaidan's feet.

"Kaidan!" Derek called, shuffling over with his SMG pointed at the mech. "Kaidan- you okay?"

"I- yeah. Once the ground stops spinning," he answered, shaking as Derek pulled him to his feet. "You, um, wow. Did they clone you?" He shook his head again.

Derek clapped him on the shoulder, swayed into the Cerberus shuttle's armored side and sputtered in relieved laughter. "I have no idea. Maybe he can do all the work?" He pushed himself off, and hobbled towards the mech. 

" _Commander. Reaper signatures in orbit._ "

Leaning over almost resulted in Derek spewing on his face plate. "James, grab that thing." He reached out to Liara, bracing her as she clutched at her sore ribs. "Come on, we need to get out of here." 

The dust of Mars from the storm lashed their suits as they made their way to the Normandy as she glided down to hover over the tarmac. In the distance, Derek could see the dark, squid-like shapes of the Reapers dropped through the atmosphere, their deep metallic scream reverberating through the thin air.

They would have to leave the Sol system, but at least they had something to show for it. Perhaps, _perhaps_ , there was a little to hope for. Only time would tell if this gamble would pay off.

To be continued.   
Questions, comments, and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, I have figured out how to jump the rails.


	4. Man with a Reason

  
**Carry On**  
Chapter Four

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

Kaidan had to wonder how he had arrived in this surreal purgatory.

Not Purgatory, though god knew he could use a few drinks. No, instead he was here, listening to upbeat, simple music explaining the virtues of sharing and eating your legumes in a room decorated in vibrant reds, yellows and blues. Parents cradled their children in their laps. The healthier ones were in a small play area, crawling or toddling on cushioned mats under the eyes and indulgent smiles of their caretakers. 

Like most places on the Citadel, there were constant news feed overlaying the walls; none were reporting on the invasion. Yet he could hear the whispers of dozens of omni-tools and communicators, volume set to low or going directly to ear buds, humming the words 'Reaper,' 'under attack,' and 'devastated.' He saw flashes of teeth, false smiles, when the kids asked what was going on, where was Uncle David or Mama? He was busy with work, she was fighting the bad guys. No, really, all those people in the vids outside were okay, just sleeping.

The smiles fell away as soon as the kids weren't looking, revealing fragile, stoic faces and red-rimmed eyes. It had been maybe five hours since the initial attack, and two since they had gotten through the relay. Now Kaidan was here, on the Citadel, about forty minutes since the Normandy had docked and Shepard had asked (personally, not an order) for Kaidan and Vega to take Bean to get checked out. 

Another twenty minutes, checking themselves into the children's section of Huerta Memorial and waiting on a neonatal specialist after being called back to a tiny examination room with a window looking back into the reception area. Another five waiting with Vega, Bean in his arms and a quiet fragment of his mind churning _I'm-a-Daddy-I'm-a-Daddy-I'm- oh dear god I have no idea what to do-I'm-a-Daddy-_

Vega had taken up a position as guard next to the examination room door, and Kaidan's eyes went from the translucent window to the PSAs scrolling on the walls about childhood illnesses, the dangers of a fetus developing in zero-g, making sure that turian children got enough aluminum in their diet, or offers of discreet genetic testing for asari children and potential counseling afterwards. 

"Hey, Lieutenant Vega? How did you meet D- the Commander?" he asked, his gaze turning back to the baby in his arms. Bean, for his part, was cooing and had gotten his hands up (sans mittens, Kaidan had taken them off to look at the baby's miniature fingers and nails) to examine with same seriousness Kaidan had. His Mom and Dad would be so _thrilled_ to find out they were grandparents-

If they still were alive.

Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was a trained soldier. He had Shepard back. He could handle this.

"I was assigned as his guard," the young officer answered, shrugging. "But more like his babysitter for the first five months. They picked me because I respected him, and knew that he wasn't crazy for talking about the Reapers." He scratched his scalp. "Then they told me about all the weird genetics shi- uh, um, bull." He looked at the babies outside, then at Bean. "Shepard's a little protective. Won't let me swear in front of el Niño there."

"I'm not surprised," Kaidan answered, before looking down to Bean, who was studying his face with the same intense concentration that Derek had when he had to make a big decision... just before his face broke into another big, gummy smile. 

Kaidan felt his own smile spread across his lips as something warm, fierce and protective balled up under his heart. 

"It's hard not to like el Niño," Vega said, and Kaidan looked up to see the gentle smile on the soldier's face. 

They were interrupted a moment later as their doctor, an asari matron with faded indigo skin named Reyka R'en, entered, tapping on a datapad.

She was kind, taking the suddenly squirmy baby from Kaidan and putting him on the examining table to weigh him, scanned him with her omni-tool's medical sensors, and took off his onesie and diaper to look at the contents while clicking her tongue.

"He's a real cutie," the doctor said, smiling, before pausing, and tapping her ear. "Ah, and it sounds like you're going to have a visitor in a few minutes." She crooned when Bean whimpered and she put a fresh diaper on him, replacing his onesie and re-wrapping him back in his blanket. "I'm sorry, I know it's cold... My goddess!" She gently tickled the bottom of one of Bean's right foot through his sock as she picked him back up. "He's so big for such a young human! What is he, two, three weeks old? What's he been eating?"

Kaidan opened his mouth, then shut it. He didn't know.

"Mostly breastfeeding," Vega said, somehow keeping a straight face. "His Mama's supply is kinda limited, though, so sometimes he gets a bottle."

"Are you the father?" the doctor asked Vega, who threw his hands in the air in defense.

"No," Kaidan protested, cutting in. "I am." Vega got a bit of a smirk on his face at Kaidan's indignant tone. 

"Ah? You're a couple?" She looked confused, but didn't pursue as she handed the baby back to Kaidan. That was when Bean started to toss his head back and forth, making sucking motions with his mouth. 

"It's a long story-"

Then Bean let out a cry, a repeating bleat that filled the room and made Kaidan wonder how someone so small could make him feel so helpless as he patted Bean's diapered backside in a vain attempt to calm him down. He had no idea what it meant, or where to start.

"He's hungry," Vega said when Kaidan looked up at him. "That's the 'My tummy's empty, get the warm milk thing here now' cry. You'll figure them out. Shepard got it in about two days."

"Yeah, but Shepard-"

Walked in at that moment, followed by Liara and Doctor Chakwas. He took one glance at the situation, shook his head, and offered his arms. Kaidan stood, giving Bean over readily as he continued to cry. The desperation in the cry dwindled when Bean realized he had changed hands, his cry turning more to a plaintive warble. 

"And you only really like me when you're hungry, don't you?" Derek murmured, kissing Bean's head. "Doctor, is there a quiet place I can feed him?" He rocked back and forth. 

"Are you his father, too?" she asked, looking back at her datapad. Then she did a double take. "Commander Shepard?" She sounded a bit breathless.

"Yes," Derek answered, face tense as Bean's cries started to pick up again. "Is the exam over? I don't think he can wait."

"I'll send you my report," Doctor R'en said. She paused. "You can continue to use this examination room. I'll let the staff know you aren't to be disturbed." She nodded to them, leaving the cramped space just a bit wider.

"Can I have the chair?" Derek asked, nodding to where Kaidan was standing. He nodded, moving out of the way and letting Shepard take a seat. He did so, and started working the front of his fatigues to open the closures. "Are you all okay with me feeding him while we talk? We need to go over the sitrep."

There were nods all around, and Kaidan blinked a few times before it hit him that Derek had _all_ of the female plumbing. And it wasn't like they had any bottles or formula with them.

"Need some help with that?" he offered, reaching for the closures at Derek's nod. Together they got Derek's shirt open. "How the hell did you know he was hungry?"

"I didn't." Derek's face turned red. "But I, um, filled up and, um, over." He sighed, and pulled off the left patch, which was dark and saturated if not dripping. Kaidan blinked, stomach flopping to see the changes in his lover's body, curious to see more as Derek put Bean to his chest. God, he felt bizarrely proud as Derek winced and Bean grunted in hunger as he sucked. He didn't know if he should be embarrassed by that or not. After all, Commander Shepard had given _him_ a child. If that wasn't something to feel a bit of pride about, what was?

Derek smiled down at Bean, rocking him a bit before looking up at his audience. "I saw the Council. It went about as well as it always has." He sounded bitter, but calmed. "I also had a meeting with Udina. During that meeting Councilor Sparatus suggested going to Palaven and getting their Primarch off-world to chair a War Summit with the Salarian and Asari leadership." Derek frowned, then quirked half a smile. "Didn't take it real well when I said 'I told you so.' But at any rate, this might be our best bet to get help for Earth and building the Prothean device." He paused. 

"I spoke with Hackett over the QEC. I've been given control of the Normandy again, and we'll be leaving in a few hours once the Normandy is stocked and fueled," Derek murmured, but he didn't sound happy about it. "And... now I need some feedback." He turned to Kaidan, meeting his eyes. "Do you have any family _not_ on Earth?"

"What? No." Kaidan's mind went blank. "I had an aunt on my mother's side, but she died years ago and her children stayed around Vancouver as well. My parents had cousins, but we didn't stay in touch. Why?"

Derek looked down at Bean, whose fingers were curling against Derek's shirt. "My parents never told me about any family they had on Earth, and I never found any records of siblings. So family's out." He closed his eyes. "Under normal circumstances, Alliance regs state that I need some kind of family plan in the event I ship out," Derek said, sounding uneven, unbalanced. "But I don't have anyone to leave Bean with, and taking him back to Earth would be tantamount to suicide. Or homicide, depending on who was asking me."

"I think I see where this is going," Liara whispered. "If you like, I can use my connections to find a foster family. It wouldn't be ideal, but-"

"But then I may as well hold the gun to their heads myself, Liara." Shepard turned to her. "Under normal circumstances, in a _normal_ war, that would work. Send the children to the countryside for their safety. Yet Cerberus has made this _personal_. They want Bean, I don't know why, but they want him. And the Reapers..." Derek rubbed his eyes. "They _know_ about him. And they want to _hurt_ me. Not just Earth, or humanity, they want to hurt _me_. They're going to target anywhere Bean goes."

"You want to take him with us," Liara said, lifting an eyebrow. She pressed her lips together. "On an active warship?"

"Is it any less dangerous?" Derek dropped her eyes, stroking Bean's hair. "There will be no safety, nowhere to run." He gave a soft sigh, chin dropping. "I know this better than anyone. And I can't do this without knowing he's safe, and that's with me." He looked up, meeting the gaze of his friends and crew. 

"Tell me that you'll help me in this," Shepard pleaded. "I can't do this alone."

Chakwas, who had remained silent until that moment, shrugged. "I am not a pediatrician, but I suppose I can brush up." She gave them a grim smile. "And if the Normandy is destroyed, then the war has pretty much been lost, hasn't it?"

Liara didn't answer, just pinching her lips together and nodding. 

Vega snorted. "Should've known I couldn't get out of babysitting that easily." His face turned serious as he nodded. "You know I want to go back and fight, but I get it. What you're doing is important, too. Besides, you know I can't say no to Niño here." His serious expression cracked as his lips quirked up. "But I get to be Uncle Jimmy, okay?"

" _Uncle_ Jimmy?" Derek said, lifting an eyebrow in amusement, before the smile dropped, eyes distant. "Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you." He grimaced suddenly, looking down at Bean. "Slow down. That hurts."

"So." Shepard straightened in the chair. "Do your emergency shopping, get your gear together and we'll be heading out at four hundred. Understood? I'll probably be here for another thirty minutes. Bean's just getting started. Dismissed."

There were nods all around as Doctor Chakwas, Liara and Vega all got up to leave... With Kaidan staying behind.

"That means you too, Kaidan," Derek said, settling down to rock Bean again. His face softened. "This is... we've got to take the opportunity to gear up while we can."

"I know that, but you've said we have a few hours." He found he was frowning, walking over and kneeling beside Shepard. "But we need to talk, and I think now's a good time for it."

"About what?" 

"I understand why you want to take Bean with you, and I'll support you both," Kaidan said, slowly, keeping his voice reassuring. "But... God, Derek, you'll probably hate me for this. But you should be evacuated to a civilian facility in order to _heal_ , not getting ready to go to a war zone." He put one hand on Derek's arm, moving up to his shoulder. "I know you're still a great soldier, but if you go out there before you're ready? You could wind up getting killed. Again. I don't think I could take that."

"Then what should I do, Kaidan?" Derek didn't sound angry, just tired. "Cerberus managed to kidnap me from _Alliance HQ_. The Reapers are here. I'm surprised they haven't tried to take the Citadel yet." He shuddered. "Don't you think part of me wants to take Bean and run?" 

Kaidan startled.

"Yeah, never thought I would hear me say it, either." Derek's breathing turned ragged. "But you and I both know it has to be me out there. People believe in me."

"You don't have to do all of this yourself." Kaidan grabbed a stool and sat next to Derek, putting an arm around his shoulders. "Let us help. Let _me_ help."

"I want to believe you," Derek murmured, leaning back against him. Silence dropped over them for several moments, the only sound being Bean continued to eat. 

"I have a question," Kaidan said, watching Bean's eyes open and close in contentment.

"Shoot."

"Why 'Bean'? His name is Gabriel, right? Why not Gabe, or Gabbers, or something like that?" The question just occurred, flying out of the rest of the maelstrom of thoughts. "Or hell, why not Ash?"

"Go ahead and use those, if you want." The corners of his lips lifted, a smile lurking under the worry. "I am simply continuing the great and glorious tradition of my mother giving her offspring incomprehensible and silly nicknames no one else will ever use. My brothers were Goober, Small Fry and Speedy. Jane _hated_ Princess."

Kaidan chuckled, leaned in to press his forehead to Shepard's. "What was yours?"

Derek's smile crawled towards his eyes. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Come on, really, tell me." He brushed his lips against Derek's. "Please?"

"Maybe one day, if you're very, very good..."

~*~*~*~*~

_Derek smiled; it had been a long time since he had heard children laughing._

_At least, he thought he heard laughter._

_He lifted his eyes, blinking as shadows squirmed and writhed, coating the ground in darkness as they lapped at the edges of the barn yard. The sounds of life- the twittering not-sparrows, the pained grunts of the cows at milking time, his brothers cackling as they chased their howling cat, the babies babbling- cut off mid-note as Derek got to his feet. All that remained as the faint hissing of the wind._

_The woods closed in around him as he blinked, rubbing his head as a pain started behind his left eye. He thought he could see a small form in the distance. He jogged forward, avoiding stepping in the dark pools that lurked behind the trees. The small shape, a child, was laughing as he swooped and swerved his small fighter about._

_Derek knew the boy, recognized him. Yet even as he wracked his mind to come up with something- a place, a name- it slid through his fingers like so much water. The boy's dull blue eyes were cheerful as he turned to Shepard, running towards him with his arms wide and lips spread in a grin-_

_-When the red scream tore through the air, making the ground and air tremble-_

_The boy stopped, all joy dropping from his face as he jerked, twisting, trying to find where the sound came from. Then he turned and ran, vanishing into the opaque shadows._

_Derek slid into a crouch, hunting for any source of the sound but nothing emerged from the twilight veil. He straightened, making a slow walk in a circle. He couldn't leave the boy out here alone._

_It took a moment to find the boy, but his white hoodie glowed in the dim and Derek walked towards him through the skeletal trees. Trees he didn't recognize. He looked back; he had no idea where he had come from, and no idea where he was going. He couldn't see the farm anymore._

_He turned back, and now all he could hear was the boy sobbing in fear. The sound tore at his heart._

_He tried to run, but it felt like he was swimming in molasses as he struggled towards the boy. The boy, hunched over, tears streaming down his face. Then he caught sight of Derek, standing up, face clearing in relief._

_When horror dropped down his face, blue eyes flickering to green and back, as his gaze fixed on something behind Shepard. Derek heard footsteps, crunching in the dried and dead weeds under their feet as he forced himself to whip around._

_Then blackness covered his vision as a hand hid his eyes, lips against his ear._

_"Don't look," Jane whispered._

_Then the crack of a pistol broke the silence._

~*~*~*~*~

Derek tore himself free of the dream with a gasp and a curse at the sound of Bean's terrified howl filling his cabin. He reached over to the right, instinct and habit from the past eleven days saying that his baby would be in a basinet beside his bed before he remembered where he was. He cast about, looking at the pile of diapers, baby clothes, blankets, pumps, bottles and canisters of formula, before remembering the repurposed crate they had used as a crib on his left.

"Hey, hey you," he murmured, reaching down to scoop Bean up, bouncing him and patting his backside. "It's okay, Papa's here. Did you have a bad dream, too? Papa did, too, but we're okay." He glanced over his shoulder, peering into the shadows for any sign of danger. Of Jane. "We're okay. There's no one going to hurt us here." He hummed, checking Bean's diaper as the baby's shrieks faded into a weak whimper. He took another look at his cabin, wondering where Kaidan was, guilt hissing in his ears as he kissed Bean's fluffy head. 

"You hungry?" he offered, reaching for his N7 hoodie's zipper, pulling up his tank top. He wondered how long it be before he started addressing his crew with the same soft sing-song when they were distressed. Hopefully he wouldn't get to the point he was so far gone he offered anything else.

Derek wasn't full just yet, but he had enough of a supply of milk to keep Bean calm as the infant latched on. The pain was brief before fading into something comforting. After that nightmare, he had to wonder who was getting more out of this, himself or his son, as Bean's cries turned to tired coos. 

"Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man, though my mind could think I still was a mad man," he crooned to his boy as he wiped Bean's tears. "I hear the voices when I'm dreaming. I can hear them say-" His cabin bell chimed. "Yes? EDI, who is it?"

" _Liara T'soni. She wants to speak with you. Shall I tell her you are indisposed?_ "

"No." He looked down at Bean, whose eyes had drooped closed. He checked the time. About two hours until they arrived at Palaven. "Given that we have to stretch the supply of formula as long as possible, people are just going to have to get used to me being," he paused, eyes darting back before he sighed. "A mammal." He swallowed, lips spreading in a grimace. "With female-ish tendencies, about ten percent of the time."

" _Very well. Shall I send her in?_ "

"I would appreciate it."

The doors slid open a moment later, showing Liara, clad in her (now clean) white suit. "Hello, Shepard," she said, walking inside. She paused, one side of her mouth twitching as she saw him cradling Bean. "Hello, Gabriel. How are you doing?"

"We're just shaking off some sleep." Derek stroked Bean's red face while looking up at Liara and nodding towards a seat on the sofa. He hissed when Bean shook himself awake and bit down, hard. "Be careful, sweetheart," he cautioned, even if Bean was too young to understand. Bean let go anyway, cooing and sniffling before shutting his eyes to go back to sleep.

Liara winced in sympathy as she sat, tangling her fingers together. Derek eyed her, wondering exactly what he was going to say, now that they weren't being dogged by issues of galactic importance. 'Why didn't you do as I asked?' 'Why did you betray me?' or just start with 'What happened?' It was human nature to assume conspiracy, right? How the hell did he ask her that, when he needed her resources as the Shadow Broker? 

And when had his friend become just a resource?

"Can I... help you with something?"

Liara glanced away. "I've been forwarding reports on the Prothean device to the turian Councilor." She shifted, before looking back when Bean cooed in his sleep. "We can't build it without Council support, but the turian Councilor won't budge until we have their Primach." She kept looking down at Bean, even as Derek rocked him out of habit. 

"Can I hold Gabriel?"

Derek blinked, before nodding slowly, cautiously, as she walked to where he was sitting on the bed and sat beside him. He didn't know if he wanted her this close, but he didn't think she could or would harm his son. 

And, if she did... 

"Support his head," he instructed her, feeling her gloved hands against his as he eased Bean into her arms. "His neck is too weak to hold it up by himself yet."

Bean's eyes opened, giving Liara a very suspicious expression as he stared at the white lump in front of his face. His tiny fingers tried to grip what was in front of him. His mouth opened, and soon his lips joined his fingers in investigating this new feature before him. 

Liara's eyes were huge, before letting out a nervous giggle.

"Er." Derek rubbed the back of his neck. "Babies use their mouths and lips because, um, more nerve endings and... god, well, at least he sort of knows what to do with those things..."

"It's all right, Shepard," she said, and pulled off one of her gloves to touch Bean's tiny face. "Asari also nurse our offspring, though I doubt I would be able to produce anything as a maiden."

"Yeah, um, he's always hungry. And if he was able to talk he would probably be asking me why I don't have something so convenient," Derek said, feeling his ears and the back of his neck heat up as he zipped up his hoodie. 

Liara smiled, wistful and awkward, her fingers tracing the shell of Bean's ear as he stopped investigating her covered breast (leaving a large, damp spot on her suit) to give her a pouty lip. Derek didn't know if it actually meant anything, but damn that pouty lip always got to him. 

"I wouldn't be brave enough to bring a child into a galaxy that's been threatened with annihilation," Liara whispered, glancing up at Shepard then away again. Derek had to look away, guilt shredding his insides before he rallied.

"Liara, I need to know what-"

The door of his cabin chimed then opened, and a young woman he remembered vaguely from when he arrived on board walked in, carrying a datapad. Kaidan was on her heels, balancing two overflowing meal trays, one in each hand. 

Liara stood up, grimacing, walking towards the exit. "I was just going." 

"Liara?"

"Yes?" she paused, turning towards him.

"Baby?"

"Oh, yes," she said, putting Bean back in Shepard's arms. "I'm sorry." She put one of her fingers in Bean's tiny hand, watching it squeeze. She headed towards the door and stopped, beside Kaidan and the new crew member.

"He's named after the Archangel?" she asked, staring straight ahead, voice high and tight.

Derek peered at her, frowning. "Yes."

"Ah." She turned and left, through the door and disappearing into the elevator. 

"What was that about?" Kaidan asked, watching Liara leave. Derek shrugged, more interested in the trays Kaidan was holding and the steaming mugs on both. He was flustered that he hadn't gotten to speak to her about why she hasn't passed on his message to both Kaidan and Garrus, but the food was more interesting. With Bean being constantly hungry, so was he.

"An update on what was going on with the Prothean project?" he said, shifting Bean to his left arm while taking the food tray with his right and putting it on his lap. He snatched up the egg sandwich and stuffed his face, following it up with a long swig of coffee so he wouldn't choke. 

"Commander Shepard, I'm Specialist Samantha Traynor," the pleasant young woman began. "We met briefly when you came back on board." Her eyes kept darting to Bean and back, her lips twitching when Bean's pout got bigger. 

"Yes, I remember you," Derek said, rubbing his eyes. His boy was in a good mood, even with his big lip. "Would you mind holding him while we eat?" he asked. 

"Can I?" she asked. Her voice was full of, for lack of a better term, squee. She put her datapad on the coffee table. "It's been such a long time since I saw a baby and-" She made grabby hands, and Derek gave her an indulgent smile as he handed Bean over. Bean's expression went back to being confused as he was once again presented with the large round thing in front of him, but to his Papa's relief he didn't try to put his mouth on it. "He is so cute! He's got your eyes- Oh, it must have been heartbreaking to leave his mother on Earth-"

"He's our son," Kaidan corrected, sitting across from Derek on the bed and picking up his own sandwich. 

Traynor rocked Bean, blinking. "He didn't have a surrogate?" She didn't mention the potential timing of their fraternization, even if she had to be thinking it. 

Derek shook his head, taking another gulp of the terrible instant coffee as he tried to think things through. It wasn't like any masquerade was worth maintaining, especially on his own ship, especially when he was _breast feeding_. The Alliance could worry about their image after they managed to survive the Reapers. "I carried him."

Samatha blinked, but she waited for him to explain.

"I'm intersexed. I've got two functioning sets, including a womb." Derek gave her a weak smile. "I'm male-gendered, but, um," he shrugged, nodding at Bean. "Yeah. He's ours." He looked over in time to see a half- goofy, half-terrified smile cross Kaidan's face. 

"Oh." To Samantha's credit, she took all of this in stride. "Congratulations. How old is he?"

"Now? Eleven, twelve days." 

"Wow. He's very big for such a fresh baby," Traynor murmured, she said, bouncing Bean, before getting to a chair, grabbing a pillow to put under him. "Are you going to be a big, famous Spectre one day, just like your daddy?"

Derek chuckled, keeping an eye on everyone as he inhaled his food, Kaidan doing the same. Kaidan finished first- he had less food on his tray- to pick up the datapad. 

"Here's the sitrep. The ship is basically the same, despite the retrofits. You've already seen the new war room and its QECs." Kaidan said, flipping the images across the datapad. "Pretty much the only changes involved were bringing everything up to Alliance regs and a new paint job. From what I've heard, Anderson was going to use the Normandy as his mobile command center."

"All right, we know that's not an option." Derek said, feeling pained and old as he said that. He was stealing the Normandy from Anderson again. "And the crew?"

"There aren't many of us," Traynor said. "Most of us were here working on the retrofits when the Reapers attacked. I worked in lab- I never thought I would be serving on a ship." She hadn't looked up from Bean. Not that Derek could blame her. Call him a bit prejudiced, but his son was the cutest baby in the galaxy. Her face scrunched up as she cooed. "But I'm honored to serve under you, Commander. As long as you need me, that is. And I got to meet you, you precious little darling." She took both of Bean's hands and was moving them back and forth. "They onwy sent me to oversee the wetwofits, yes they did, yes they did!"

" _Some of our systems require further testing," EDI said, cutting in the stream of baby-talk. "And Specialist Traynor has been extremely effective during installation, despite her current drop in speech capacity. I would prefer that she remain._ "

"Got it."

Traynor looked up and towards the intercom, shocked out of her baby-fit. "Wait. Since when does a virtual intelligence make requests?"

"EDI is an A.I., Sam," Kaidan answered her. "She's completely self-aware."

"Oh, I knew it. I _knew_ Joker was lying," she muttered, but turned her attention back to Bean when he creaked at her. 

" _Jeff requested I pretend to be a simple VI to protect myself. I apologize for the deception._ "

Traynor's face turned a vibrant red under her dark complexion. "Thank you, EDI. And I apologize for all those times I talked about how... _attractive_... your voice was." 

"Right." Derek found his lips twitch. "And don't let Joker find out you were taking about EDI like that. He might get territorial. Or if you do, invite me down to watch."

"Now, on to the reason we're here," Traynor said hastily, straightening, still holding Bean's hands. "Major Alenko came down an hour ago and asked about making a babysitting roster. We've been working on that; asking for volunteers among the off-duty crew, people with childcare experience." She smiled, but it didn't hit her eyes. "Much of the crew have families they've left behind. We've had no shortage of bodies signing up. So don't worry; Gabriel will be taken care of. When you're fighting, he won't be alone."

Derek blinked, and swallowed down the lump in his throat and reached for Kaidan's hand. The other man took it, and squeezed, watching the relief making Shepard go limp. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Traynor said. "I'm happy to help. When you're ready, Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you over the vid-com."

~*~*~*~*~

Garrus Vakarian rarely prayed. He remembered praying when the first Normandy had been destroyed and hearing that Shepard had been lost with the ship. Then again when he had sought revenge on Sidonis, he had prayed to do what his team had wanted, to help their spirits rest.

Now, he prayed for his world as he listened to Palaven Command's com chatter, watching the fighters take off to protect the Primarch's shuttle as he lead his small squad of troops to distract the nearest Reaper forces. He was perched, covering his squad as they attacked with his sniper rifle. 

He prayed because out of a squad of four, two went down. He prayed when a Reaper, an actual fucking _Reaper_ , landed in front of him and waded through their fighters like they were insects. Not even flies. Bits of dust. He prayed for his people, when the Primarch's shuttle burst into flames, the coms going down, as he retreated with his remaining squad and wondered if there really was a chance for his people. 

He fought for hours after that, taking down swarms of husks, the turian based marauders, and a brute as he tried to get orders. At least he knew his small squad was doing better than most. 

Only losing half. 

Then his prayers were answered when the coms came back up. 

The Normandy was in orbit.

To be continued.  
Questions, comments and criticisms welcome and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if you see anything OOC, triggery, or a gaping plot hole, please point it out. I do always have a difficult time noticing those.


	5. No Longer Empty

  
**Carry On**  
Chapter Five

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

There was a different energy when Garrus fought his way back to the barricades. Turians were taught from birth to work for the team, for the colony, for the Hierarchy and their species. They lived in a tightly structured, if not controlled, society. When the Reapers had arrived, the turian response had been swift and without panic.

But even from the beginning, there had been an edge of despair that had flowed like mud through the ranks. Each soldier would do his or her duty, each citizen would pick of those forgotten rifles from their military service to defend their families, but it had felt like a lost cause from the outset.

Garrus had to wonder if it was a weak form of indoctrination, or that his people were just being pragmatic. Seeing a Reaper land like a nightmare made steel and flesh made it hard to hold on to hope. They would fight to the last, because that was what they _were_ (are, he reminded himself, this is what we are) but knowing their weaknesses and their strengths had him feeling that...

But there was a noticeable shift as he walked into the barricades, even as he saw there was no difference physically. If anything else, they were worse off. There were more bodies under shrouds, piled on top of each other and less supplies to go around.

Yet... He saw hope seep into the steps and aim of their troops, and Garrus knew who had to be there.

The ebb and flow of the troops carried him through the camp until he got to the shelter, seeing General Corinthus talking to three humans. His eyes, so much sharper than a human's, went to their faces.

Kaidan was there, looking fine, if a bit tired. His blue armor was slightly scuffed, but Garrus approved. Blue was a good color for him, against his olive skin. Garrus felt reassured, comforted at the sight of his friend and lover and human whom he really had no idea how to classify.

Beside him was a human he didn't know; Garrus wondered when they had started making humans out of leftover krogan parts. He was massive, but beyond that he looked so typically human Garrus knew it was take awhile to learn to pick him out of a crowd. He gave the sense of solid strength he remembered from Ashley, and Garrus hoped he would be just as solid in a fight.

Then his eyes landed on Shepard, and he paused, drinking the sight in.

He remembered Shepard explaining, briefly, how some humans tended to assign significance to colors. Garrus' own favored blue tended to indicate loyalty, steadfastness. White was purity. Derek's N7 armor was still gunmetal gray, but the stripe down his arm was black. Mourning.

Derek's face was still rounder, his hair grayer, than he remembered. But his green eyes were steady. 

He wanted to go up there, sweep Shepard off his feet in an embrace and try out that kissing thing again. To clasp arms with Kaidan, to feel himself back where he belonged... But he couldn't. Not with Corinthus watching, or the rest of the troops keeping their eyes on him. The Reaper advisor.

They were looking for the new Primarch. General Victus. It was time to make his entrance.

"I'm on it, Shepard. We'll find you to the Primarch," he said, jogging up the steps to the shelter.

"Garrus!" The joy in Shepard's voice, echoed by Kaidan, had him twitching to drop his gun and run to them. He settled for holstering his Mantis, and snatching up both Shepard and Kaidan's hands to squeeze. He had missed them. Spirits, he had missed them. 

Derek's smile shone through the dim, cutting through the miasma of despair. (Later, he would swear that the troops on the barricades even stood straighter. That might just have been his imagination, though.)

"Who?" the new guy said, scratching his head. Derek turned to him, and Garrus saw the young human staring at their hands. Garrus felt his crop burn.

"James, this is Garrus Vakarian," Derek said by way of explanation. "He's one hell of a soldier."

"Sir, Vakarian sir," the General said, breaking the moment and making him drop their hands. "I didn't see you arrive."

"At ease, General," Garrus said, absently, as he kept his eyes on his lovers.

Derek's smile suddenly included a lifted eyebrow as he mouthed 'sir?' before speaking. "I'm glad you're all right. I'm surprised to see you here, though."

"Yeah, we both thought you'd be on Palaven," Kaidan said. He walked over, giving Garrus an affectionate bump with his shoulder, his teeth bright against his scruff. "We were worried."  
The young human-should-have-been-a-geth-Juggernaut's face was a mix of confusion as he looked at the interactions between them. Garrus felt his mandibles twitch despite himself. "If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven." He gave a self-conscious shrug. "I'm the closest damn thing we have to an expert on Reaper forces so I'm... advising." He felt his plates lift. "Damn. You two are a sight for sore eyes."

Shepard chuckled, sounding relieved more than anything else. "Same here. This is Lieutenant James Vega. My keeper," he said by way of introduction to the other human, nodding to him as the human-mountain offered massive five-fingered hand for a shake. Garrus was grateful he was wearing gauntlets.

"General Corinthus filled me in, we know who we're after." And oh, this would be good.

The General nodded, looking grim. "Palaven Command tells me that the next Primarch is General Adrien Victus."

"Know him, Garrus?"

He nodded. "I was fighting alongside him this morning. Lifelong military, gets results... popular with his troops. Not so popular with military command, and has a reputation for playing lose with accepted strategy."

"Huh. Sounds like someone else I know," Kaidan quipped, giving Shepard a side-eye. He crossed his arms and thumbed his nose. "I've heard of him, at least by reputation. He's a bit of a maverick, known for unorthodox tactics."

"Not things that get you promoted up the meritocracy," General Corinthus said, before slumping against the barricade. He didn't look happy.

"Primarch Victus." Garrus felt a weird, uncomfortable laugh tickle across his throat, before suppressing it. The idea of Victus as Primarch was like imagining Shepard as the Human Councilor. Somehow, it just felt wrong and right at the same time. "Now, there's something to see."

"You think he can get the job done?"

"We both known conventional strategy isn't going to work against the Reapers," Garrus said, leaning backwards. "Right now, he could be our best shot. And I trust him."

"Right. Let's get him on the shuttle and out of here," Shepard said, nodding for his squad to follow-

_"Commander? Shepard, come in!"_

"What is it, Joker?" Derek answered, tapping his communicator. "We're in the middle of a war zone. Can't it wait?"

"It's the Normandy, sir," Joker said, and Garrus knew it had to be bad. Joker never 'sir'd anyone. "She's gone haywire. She's bringing up weapon systems, won't communicate with us."

"Do you want me to go back and take a look?" Kaidan asked, frowning. From the wrinkles around his eyes, he didn't look like he wanted to leave, but he looked to be the most tech savvy there. "See if I can help?"

"Do it," Derek answered. Garrus felt his mandibles twitch. Derek had answered a bit too quickly. "We don't want to risk the Normandy, not with Bean on board." Derek then palmed his face. "And we might need to bug out quickly."

Kaidan's face cleared as he headed towards the shuttle. "Understood."

Vega gave a soft chuckle. "Loco, got your priorities straight there, don't you?"

"Damn right I do," Shepard snapped. Vega's back straightened, but he relaxed when Shepard smiled. "And don't you forget it."

"Bean?" Garrus paused. Shepard never fussed over someone so much that he would get distracted from a mission. "Who's Bean?"

His translator was producing a description of a legume of some kind. One that was... Well. Small, nutritious, high in protein. Not helping him understand the situation.

"Just the love of his life," Vega said, snickering as they walked over to clear the air field. Derek whipped around to glare at him. 

"Not helping, James." He turned to Garrus, who was staring at him with a dropped jaw and lifted ridges. "It's not what you think." Derek took Garrus' hand, giving it a squeeze. "Really. But-"

Fire fell from the sky in the form of Reaper troops, spilling towards the airfield up and over the ridge. The new husks, the ones made of turians, chittered and zapped at them as Garrus found a perch.

He remembered, clearly, the first time he had seen a husk. It was that time on Trebin; he remembered feeling pity and disgust at the sight of something that had been alive being repurposed. 

He had seen reports of the spikes being used on his people; entire towns were turned to these marauders. They maintained more intelligence than the Cannibals or husks, able to reinforce their infantry lines. They hit hard, were shielded and strong, and liked to stay at a distance. 

"Vega, you draw their fire- stick in cover when you can but make sure they come after you. I'll be going after the clumps, while you cover us both with sniper fire," Derek ordered. Garrus nodded, feeling a little odd at being under another's command for the first time in months. He had gotten used to the sudden upgrade in status- but it was Shepard. He automatically fell in line despite shouting his own suggestions.

Besides, the orders were sound. And from the look of it, as Shepard zipped across the field and used exploding biotic fields to knock down herds of the husks and shooting marauders in the face with his shotgun, he wasn't letting six months in incarceration slow him down.

But who was Bean? 

The thought nagged him, even as he pushed back in order to aim, exhale, fire. He repeated the pattern, smoothly and comfortably, until the airfield was cleared, and the small squad of turian troops that were guarding was able to get their perimeter back up. Not that they would be able to do much if the Reaper walking across the moon turned their way. 

One thing he had discussed with Kaidan was the possibility that Shepard would start sleeping with someone else while he was incarcerated. Kaidan had already spoken to Anderson about making sure Shepard's guards were ethical, but also discussed with him what had happened with Zaeed. 

Anderson had been shocked, concerned. He had agreed to make sure that Derek would get what he needed. 

The idea that Shepard would sleep with someone else was one that had made him... uncomfortable. He was fine with Kaidan; they were working it out. But the idea of someone else touching his human, of Derek being _okay_ with someone else touching him-

He grit his teeth together, mandibles snapping up and away from his face. Spirits, the idea hurt. 

Even if Derek couldn't help it. 

This thought tugged and nagged at him, only abating when the brute knocked Shepard off the wall to be destroyed at the hands of Shepard's shot gun.

They found Victus, who was understandably reluctant to leave his men. But Shepard was as persuasive as always, and there was no doubt that he would go with the human. Garrus had pointed out the way that Palaven was burning, and he knew that Earth... soon, the entire galaxy... was burning as well. Yet it was so hard to remember, to care, when he didn't know what had happened to his father, his sister. 

The decision was one he had expected to face. He looked up at Palaven and saw her skies choked with ash. His father and sister there, alone. 

He could say no. He could decide not to help Shepard and Kaidan. He could stay on this moon and take up where Victus had left off. He could do it.

Who was he kidding?

"For whatever it's worth, I'm with you. Always."

~*~*~*~*~

The power flickered throughout the Normandy, and Garrus blinked.

“EDI, status report?” 

No answer, as the deck below him trembled, power cycling through the weapons before cutting it off entirely. He felt the plates on his face pinch.

“Joker, what the hell is going on here? We’ve lost all power to the main guns.”

_“Damn if I know, Garrus. Adams and Shepard are going down to the A.I. core to see what’s wrong. EDI stopped talking to me twenty minutes ago. Kaidan and Liara are as stumped as I am, and when the kid started howling Kaidan ran off to check on him.”_

That told him exactly nothing. He ground his teeth together in frustration; they needed those computers.

 _“Vakarian, what’s going on?”_ Victus asked, the voice of the new Primarch coming in loud and clear over the coms. 

“Don’t know, sir. Still waiting on status.”

Plus, the new Primarch was aboard. Just another thing for Garrus to fret about.

Power to the guns came back online, and he thanked the spirits that nothing had happened to life support. 

_“Dammit, Vakarian, we have to get moving. We need to get to that summit before we lose Palaven. Can’t you get this tub moving faster?”_

“I know, Primarch, I’ve looked at the same reports as you. But don’t worry, the krogan will at least listen. Shepard’s an old friend of Urdnot Wrex.”

The Primarch grunted before cutting communication. Not that Garrus could blame him; things were grim. Even with all the work he had done to try to prepare for this mess, it still seemed like too little, too late. 

He was about to turn to the big guns, sure that some stupid Alliance tech had completely ruined his targeting matrix, when the doors opened, and Shepard walked in.

They hadn’t gotten much of a chance to talk since Garrus had come aboard. Garrus had simply gotten off the shuttle, made sure the Primarch was situated comfortably in the war room. He didn’t think the former General would be getting much sleep while on board. None of them would be.

Garrus felt at a bit of a loss as he cut communication with Victus. He hadn’t seen, or spoken, to Kaidan or Derek, and he felt a bit ignored. Not that he knew exactly how he should be treated. After six months of trying to get hold of Derek, scrambling for any bit of news and struggling to keep in contact with Kaidan… now they were back together again. 

Throw a party? Lock Shepard’s cabin door and not come out until everyone their fill? Agree to go their separate ways?

That last one made his crop burn. He didn't _want_ to lose their companionship, their friendship, or their intimacy. While hooking up with Kaidan had been different from Shepard, it was just as satisfying. 

Shepard, when he wasn't in the middle of a heat, had an attitude towards sex that was simple and easy to understand. Adults, sanely and consensually together, enjoying each other's bodies was good. Their friendship had strengthened outside of the bedroom, depending on each other in combat and comfortable together as friends. The fact that the man just thoroughly enjoyed getting fucked helped, too. 

Kaidan's attitude was different. It was a competition, in a way, to see who would cry uncle first, who could get the other's body to betray itself. Kaidan hadn't sought him out the way Shepard did, nor did he linger for seconds. Yet their friendship and gentle rivalry had been its own thrill. As had their anger towards each other when they had both felt the other had betrayed Derek.

" _There_ you are." Garrus turned to see Shepard standing there, peering at Garrus in the dim. He looked... rounder, for lack of a better term. His chest was wider than Garrus remembered, his face still soft. He had the slight bleary look in his eyes that spoke of a lack of sleep. "How have the last six months treated you, Garrus?"

Garrus sighed. "I've kept busy. When you turned yourself in to the Alliance, I realized how little time we had left. I knew I had to do something, so I did the one thing I never thought I would do. I went to my father."

Derek lifted an eyebrow. "I seem to recall you mentioning how often you both butted heads. How did _that_ go?"

"I laid out my evidence: everything we had learned about Sovereign and the geth, the Collectors, Harbinger, all of it. He just stood there, listening. And then he did what I only hoped he would do. He believed me." That had been one of the greater shocks of his life. Only followed by his father commenting that, if Garrus loved this human so much, he had no right to say anything. That had been more of a shock than his father listening to him in the first place. "Then he took my evidence, and took it to Primarch."

"Hell, given all we've been through, I'm not sure I would have believed it myself," Derek said, leaning against the guns. "How did the Primarch take it?"

"Not as well as my father. He had the same problem everyone in authority seems to have. Something that big, old, and scary somehow can't exist. But he did listen... eventually. He gave me a token taskforce. That's what people in authority do, when they're scared." Garrus snorted, a human gesture he had picked up. It had driven his sister crazy. 

"What did you do with it?"

"As much as I could get away with, and a little more. Easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, and all that. I hardened our lines of communication, started building up stockpiles." He closed his eyes against the image of the Reapers burned on the back of his mind. Taking a deep breath, catching Shepard's oddly sweet smell, the pain and shock of Palaven seemed a bit more removed. He was tempted to lean on Shepard, just to know that he could do it. "We'll see if it actually helped once we've won this war."

"You think we actually can?" 

Garrus looked up at Shepard, saw the dark circles under his eyes. "Yeah. I feel good about this, Shepard. For the first time, we aren't in this alone. Entire civilizations are going to be lining up for you to save them. We actually have a fighting chance."

Derek nodded, lips not-quite-smiling. 

Garrus just stood there for a moment, arms at his sides. His mind dripped thoughts of "Who is Bean?" "Did you cheat on us?" "Can I handle another person in your life?"

"I was researching proper human protocol on what to do during reunions. Watched a few vids-"

A real smile broke over Derek's face before he stood on his toes, putting one hand over the scarred side of his face and brushing their mouths together. 

Garrus reacted, putting his hands on Derek's waist, lifting him up to keep his mouth there, enjoying the heat, texture of Derek's mouth, the strong sweet and sour smell coming off him that he didn't remember from before. 

"That's proper protocol for when humans meet after a long absence," Derek responded, moving to keep his arms looped around Garrus' neck to draw the blunt, calloused tips of his fingers under Garrus' fringe and over his plates. 

"Then I look forward to seeing you pull that one on Wrex," Garrus teased. He let himself take in everything about Derek, talon-tips on his hips. "Might be a little awkward, though."

Derek swatted his shoulder as he stood back. His eyes turned shadowed. "I take it that Liara didn't get in contact with you, either?"

"Briefly, yeah. But nothing came of it. She wanted to get the team together, but she didn't say why." Garrus kept his hands on Derek's shoulders, before leaning forward to nuzzle Derek's hair. "Alenko and I got the address wrong... I think." He wasn't sure how to tell Derek about his liaisons with their mutual lover. 

Derek exhaled, warm breath puffing against Garrus' bony collar. "I don't understand it. She promised," he murmured, almost to himself. "So you have no idea about Bean?" he said, sounding hurt.

"No. I mean, I can understand what happened." At Derek's incredulous stare, Garrus elaborated. "I mean, you're away from the both of us for six months. That's three heats. You were alone, vulnerable, and probably needing help." Garrus shifted his weight, looking away. "I can understand, and I can't hate you for it. I just... I don't think I can share you with someone else."

"You- you- I-" his mouth flopped open and shut like a fish, before he exhaled again, deflating. "Garrus, what are you saying?"

"I can understand you sleeping with someone else while you imprisoned. Kaidan and I even discussed it a few times. Neither of us liked it, but if you have feelings for that person..." Garrus shrugged, helplessly. "We're coming to an understanding, but we don't think we can do it with someone else. We both love you, but-"

Derek put a hand over his mouth. "I can promise you, Garrus, that whatever else happened while I was under house arrest, I did not develop feelings for any other men. I care about you two, too much to let you go." He laughed, dry and without humor. "But as for sharing me... That's a little harder." He took Garrus' hands. "Come on. I want you to meet someone."

"Meet someone? This Bean you've been talking about?"

"Uh-huh," Derek said, and Garrus followed. He noticed the physical difference now, in how Shepard stood and walked. His hips had gotten wider, making him waddle just a bit, bow-legged. Shepard didn't seem to notice, outside of rubbing his back on occasion, as they got on to the elevator.

"I wanted to tell you about Bean, which is why I wanted Liara to get in contact with you," Derek said. "Kaidan's with him right now. I wanted to see how you were settling in, and see what you knew before I brought you up."

The door opened before the captain's cabin. Derek walked towards the door without hesitation, though Garrus trailed a step or two behind. 

There wasn't another lover? He mulled that, briefly, as the door of the cabin opened...

"God, Derek, I can't get him to calm down," Kaidan said as they stepped inside. He sounded panicked, over the high pitched wailing that filled the cabin. "He's been freaking out ever since the lights flickered."

Garrus opened his mouth to greet the frantic Kaidan, ask what was going on- when it hit him what was happening. There was a baby in the room, one that was bawling, howling in fear as Shepard took the squalling thing to his chest, making small, soft noises to attempt to reassure it. A human baby. His mind careened into the bulkhead. 

He didn't try to deny it, instead grabbing the wheeled desk chair beside Shepard's terminal and lowering himself, slowly and carefully, on to the padded surface. 

"I want to hear this from the beginning before I go jumping to conclusions," Garrus said. He didn't stutter. He was proud of that.

Shepard threw him a frail smile as he bounced the bundle.

"You checked his diaper? Offered him a bottle?" Derek asked Kaidan, who ran a hand through his hair. Already the baby was calming, turning into more of an unhappy complaint instead of a klaxon of the end of all things. "Tried singing?"

"Yes, yes, I hummed at him but I can't sing worth a d-darn. Bounced him like you showed me." Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned against the empty fish tanks. "I think it's because I'm still a stranger." Kaidan didn't look to happy about that.

"I- Shepard, say something, I'm about to start freaking out here!"

"Right. This is Gabriel Ashley Shepard." Derek kissed the small bundle, pulling back the quarian patterned blanket to reveal the small, red and scrunched up face. "I hope, next time we get to the Citadel we can get his family named changed, if you're willing." He looked over at Kaidan, who had a soppy smile on his face. Garrus swallowed.

A baby. He had been afraid the day would come when he was no longer wanted, or needed, in their relationship. The idea made him want to swear, or run, to keen in mourning. If there was one thing that he could not give Shepard, it was a child. He hadn't even realized that Derek had wanted them.

"I know this is a shock." Derek rubbed the infant's back as he continued to calm. Garrus sat back, not sure if he could keep looking. "I... near as I can tell, the night we went to the Citadel... Ah, the emergency contraception I used didn't work." Derek cleared his throat.

Great. Not only had he left Shepard without getting in contact with him, he had left him alone and pregnant. As if he could get any more shamed.

"Given the events of that night, and before, I figure that means you're as responsible for his existence as either of us. I doubt that night would have happened if you hadn't found us that hotel." Well, at least Derek was trying to joke. "And... if you want... I want you to be involved in my son's life." He hunched his shoulders, looking down at the small tear streaked face and kissing him. "But I can't make any demands of either of you. I mean, this situation... It's bizarre. But please. Kaidan, Garrus, I need you both." He choked, almost doubling over. "You both have the right to walk away but please-"

"No. No, Shepard," Garrus said, standing. "Just, you know I can't compete with this. Damn, but our relationship, where do we stand? I, er, kinda wondered what a turian/human hybrid would look like, but..."

Kaidan's lips were pursed together. "Are we going to try this?" He exhaled. "Shepard, I kinda wish we had discussed this before, but." He shrugged. "Having someone else to hand Gabe off to can't be a bad thing, right?"

"Garrus, don't even _joke_ about another baby right now," Derek begged. "No, no, please no." He had his legs pressed close together. "I doubt I'll even be up for sex for another four weeks. He's only thirteen days old, now." Derek groaned softly. "That... hurt."

The baby had finally calmed, looking more worried than a baby should. Garrus had rarely seen human infants; it was safer for them to develop on the Wards. The Presidium, with its light gravity, was not a good place for expectant mothers. He didn't know how to grade a human infant, but he could guess what any new parent wanted to hear. 

"He looks like you," he told Kaidan. The baby's eyes opened, a pale green that he recognized. "And he's got your eyes," he said, directing it towards Derek. 

"Want to hold him?"

Garrus almost choked, but allowed himself to be positioned as he sat back with a pillow on his lap, pulling his gauntlets and chest plate off, leaving him in his under tunic. Derek put the baby in his arms, and Garrus _froze_.

Turian infants were soft, but their skins were not the same buttery-frail of this creature. He smelled like Derek, of the same sweet-sour scent. _Milk_ , his mind noted. He knew mammals made food for their offspring (and he withheld a shudder at the weirdness) but the idea of it being Shepard... 

"I wanted him to have the family name of Alenko," Derek offered, watching as Garrus inspected the infant's face. "The galaxy likes to kill Shepards." He sighed. "Ashley should be obvious. But his given name is after you."

Garrus' head snapped up, eyes fixing on Derek's face. Kaidan also lifted an eyebrow. "For the Archangel?"

"Yeah." Derek's smile was oddly shy. "Gabriel: 'god with us.' In one of our major religions, Gabriel was God's messenger, communicating with us mere mortals. He told the mother of God's avatar that she would bear him. One of God's most powerful and trusted servants. Besides Michael, he was the best known of the archangels."

"Oh." 

It was almost too much. The loss of his mother had been terrible, the loss of his team and Sidonis' betrayal had almost been crippling. But now he had lost his world, his family. Now he was being offered a new one to protect and he had no idea if he _could_. He didn't know if he deserved this chance. But he did know that he wanted to stay with Shepard. 

And Kaidan. 

Their relationship was confusing and complicated. It was strange. But the damned galaxy was burning and being jealous when they could be loving each other, caring for each other, just seemed ridiculous. 

And this kid was named after him. He felt a sense of regret, but then chided himself for feeling ridiculous. While it was biologically impossible for them to have kids together, if Derek and Kaidan were willing, there would be a lot of orphans from the war. 

They just had to survive until the end. 

He touched one talon to Gabriel's small nose. "Archangel, huh?"

"Well, seemed appropriate. Ashley is usually a girl's name now, even if it was historically male, and I wanted him to have something of you." Derek was mumbling now. His cheeks were flushed in embarrassment. 

Garrus looked up at Derek. If nothing else, he this meant that the human wanted this to work, wanting to have his child be raised by an alien alongside his biological parents.

"You might not be biologically involved, but you played a part in his existence. I really believe that," Derek continued to mutter, this time hunching his shoulders. "And... we can try this. I want you both, and I love you both." His soft laugh was wistful. "And with the two of you here, I believe we have a shot of kicking the Reapers into hell."

Kaidan grunted; he had been mostly quiet until then. "Having someone else to hand him off to might not be such a bad thing." Kaidan smiled. "And god, this will be weird, but... we balance each other. Let's do this."

"And as for sex... well," Garrus looked at Kaidan, who threw him a smirk. "If you don't mind _watching_ , Kaidan and I can take care of each other until you're up for joining in. We kind of had to, with you being locked up and all."

Derek's jaw dropped, looking back and forth between Kaidan and Garrus. His cheeks and ears flushed, as he licked his lips. "You didn't happen to take any vids, did you? God, six months without either of you..." He shivered, crossing his arms and legs, then gave a small smirk. "I wasn't quite as bad off as during a heat, but it lasted longer." He looked away, down at the floor. "I felt like more like I was a passenger on the Hammerhead than in control of my own body, sometimes." He shifted his weight. "I missed you both so much." His lips twisted in a faint smirk of his own. "Of course, I think I could top, just not be penetrated until I'm finished healing. Believe it or not, I used to switch with my partners."

Both Kaidan and Garrus looked at each other, before Kaidan walked up to Derek and gave him a long, sweet kiss, his tongue delving inside, lips teasing and sliding against the other man's. 

"We god a few hours. Who's next on the baby-sitting roster?" Derek asked when Kaidan broke away, watching as Kaidan went over to kiss Garrus. There was a tent in the front of his pants. 

Bean finally protested when Kaidan started playing with Garrus' fringe.

"Oh, I see," Kaidan said, chuckling. "You want to stay an only child."

Derek laughed. "For at least another couple of years, Major, Vakarian sir. When we _aren't_ fighting for our lives."

Kaidan straightened and winked, before humming as he checked the roster. "Looks like Chakwas is up. I'll take him down. Garrus, get the rest of your armor off. I'll be right back."

"Affirmative," Garrus purred, not standing up when Kaidan took the baby, instead waving Derek over, pulling him into his lap. "And hurry. We don't want to wait too long."

To be continued.  
Questions, comments and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually new stuff! Yay me!
> 
> And my life is helluva busy right now with work and I have no energy to work on stuff so I hope I will get the next chapter on time BUT I MIGHT NOT AND I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME HAVE A DAY OFF AND... AND...
> 
> I'm a little stressed right now. And I'm trying not to burn out on this story, because I've been working on it for a year now. So, yeah? Hopefully I can keep this up. I really want to finish this.


	6. Ship on the ocean

Carry On  
Chapter Six

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity. 

~*~*~*~

It turned out none of them had physically been up for anything more intense than very heavy petting; Derek had gotten a blow job from Kaidan while Garrus was rimming him before the two humans had turned on the turian to suck him off. 

It had been fast and frantic, but they had collapsed against each other, pleased and content in the moment to lay there and enjoy skin on skin. 

When Kaidan and Garrus had laid down on either side of him, he just listened to them both breathe. He buried his face in Garrus' collar, and shivered as he felt Kaidan's lips on the back of his neck, his fingers just over the soft, loose skin that still refused to tighten or flatten no matter how many sit-ups Derek did. In moments, both of his lovers settled into sleep: Garrus breath sounding a bit like a warm purr while Kaidan's heavy breathing bordered on snores.

Sleep eluded him.

The sane part of him wanted to take the moment he had to rest; the less rational parts were terrified of what he might find at the bottom of the well of sleep. Notably Jane and the boy. Plus, there was constantly...

Guilt that he had this moment of relief had him sigh as he got up, kissing both his lovers as he tried to ease off the bed without waking them. There was too much to do to sleep now. 

With more than a twinge of regret, Derek Shepard went to check his email.

~*~*~*~*~

"Madam Councilor, you're making a mistake," Derek said, gesturing towards her image in the QEC. Making arrangements and securing the safety of the War Summit was turning out to be more difficult than he had anticipated. The asari Councilor's blue face was impassive as he tried to plead. "Now is the time for us to stand together. Most of these grudges are centuries old-"

"And still within an asari lifetime." Her pale yellow eyes met his. "Or the lives of our mothers." Her shoulders slumped. "The asari have been down this road before, Commander. I'm sorry, but the asari will not be attending your War Summit." She looked like there was more she wanted to say. Derek leaned forward, hands on the bar before him.

"Madam Councilor, your people _must_ be there," Derek said, trying for earnestness. It usually worked for him. "We need your wisdom and guidance. Please-" but she exited the QEC before Derek could bring her back. 

Derek grunted, running his fingers through his hair as Admiral Hackett came on the line. They talked, for a few moments.

"I've heard an uncomfortable rumor, Commander," the Admiral finally said. "One that I want you to clarify." He paused, putting his hands behind his back. "Is your son on the Normandy?"

Derek kept his face blank. "Where did you hear this?" 

"Doctor Chakwas downloaded several texts on neo-natal care. Major Alenko and yourself made purchases from your private accounts that were more appropriate for a baby shower than a long term deployment." Derek blinked as Hackett listed his points. It had not been more than three days since they had left the Citadel to get the Primarch.

"More to the point, there were no records of you attempting to find a foster family for him. It wasn't hard to put together, and I can even understand why. But this is a military ship, and-" he paused to take a breath, when Derek cut him off.

"Admiral, if this was a regular operation I would still be grounded. Hell, if this was a regular situation, you would already have booted my ass out of the Alliance military and put me in Batarian hands." Hackett opened his mouth then closed it again. "Or, Bahak wouldn't have happened, and I would still be on maternity leave." Kaidan's points had struck a painful chord. Being reminded that his body was still healing, that he still wasn't as strong as he used to be, was a kick in the quad. "Actually, if this was twenty years ago? I would still be dead." He ran his hand over his face. "I can't leave him yet, Admiral. If he goes, so do I. If I was... if I was his sperm donor, I might have been able to." He didn't realize his voice was trembling until he felt his lips vibrate. "But I'm... I'm not. I can't leave him behind and function." He took a deep breath and straightened. "I leave if he leaves. Sir."

Hackett grunted. "During a normal war, I would have you court-martialed for that alone. But I'm not an idiot, Commander. You keep functioning, get things done, and I'll turn a blind eye. I take it your crew is handling this well?"

"So far, sir." He rubbed the back of his neck. "So far."

~*~*~*~*

Finishing the arrangements for the War Summit would take time, and Derek was not going to let the asari out of it so easily. He thumbed his nose; the Councilor didn't speak for her entire species. Bypassing her and the Council had been the reason for rescuing the Primarch. Now, well... 

With that in mind, he walked through the CIC to the elevator, pausing to talk to Traynor as she told him of her findings and her concerns for Grissom Academy. Derek put in the required coordinates; it would be days, possibly a week or more until the War Summit was ready. Until then, he could do some good instead of trying to herd cats.

From there, he made a beeline for Liara's office. 

He had hadn't gone to speak with her there yet; he had to admit, he was avoiding her until he was level enough approach her without taking a swing. 

He first noticed that she had somehow completely restructured the room from how it had once been. Dozens of monitors followed Liara's motion, rippling like leaves in a breeze as she paced back and forth. Her drone, the one from the Shadow Broker ship, zipped like a drunk hummingbird about the small space. Liara herself was in her clean, white uniform, wearing a headset and earpiece that allowed her to continually be plugged in to the Broker's network. 

They spoke a few minutes, initially about the Crucible project and what she had been up to while they both stared at the drone's erratic movements as it careened about the room. When it passed by too close, his eyes felt like they twisted out of his head as he had to duck to avoid it.

Then he got down to business. 

"Liara, is there anything you can do, you can give me, to help me persuade the asari to send a delegate to the War Summit?" he asked, crossing his arms but still keeping his eyes on the worrisome Glyph. "You told that it would take you ten minutes to start a war. Surely you could give me something- _anything_ \- to help me bring your people on board? We have to do everything we can to get everyone together."

Liara paused, rubbing her forehead. She was rocking back and forth on her heels and toes, her jaw rigid. "I- I can call in a few favors," she admitted. "But remember, Shepard, that the asari government is an e-democracy. The Council of Matriarchs hold great sway, but they don't have the final say on most policy matters."

"Liara, I don't care who you have to bribe, bully or blackmail. Just get their resources headed towards the Crucible and a delegate at the Summit." He paused, and the words were out before he could stop them. "Because this isn't about me, this is about the entire damn galaxy."

Her back stiffened as Liara crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Is there something you wanted to say, Shepard?"

" _Why?_ " That summed up the gist of everything he could think to ask. She said she cared about him, fought to have him raised from the dead. Why had she..? "I needed them, Liara."

She exhaled. "Hackett asked me not to. Garrus was a needed resource to prepare for the coming invasion. Major Alenko was being put in charge of training Alliance biotics. Neither of them could afford the loss of focus that came with knowing you were with child." She paused. "I kept an eye on you, even if I wasn't there. I meant to see you- I wanted to." She turned her face, then her back, away from him. Hiding. "But I... I became too busy."

Derek closed his eyes and grunted. "All right. I understand." He didn't like it, but he could understand it. "But I had thought we were friends."

"We are." She turned back around, and her eyes were luminous in the flicker of the monitors, her voice wet. "We are. Truly."

Six months ago he wouldn't have hesitated, but he couldn't be unmoved at the sight of one of his crew- _his family_ \- in pain. He took a step forward, then another, arms stiff as he pulled her to his chest in an embrace. "Yes." She sniffled as she buried her face in his shoulder, her white arms wrapping around his waist. "We are." _I want to believe that_.

He held her for a long time.

~*~*~*~*~

"So," Joker said, looking down at the sling across Shepard's chest. He had just finished crowing about EDI's sexy, very female body, and EDI looking back away after Joker had said she was _there_.

"So..?"

"You did it." Joker's face was impassive. "You actually _spawned_." He was staring at the baby sling against Derek's chest. Derek had picked Bean up from Chakwas after his talk with Liara, and given the baby a feed. Now the little one was dozing against Derek's chest and cooing in his sleep. 

Yes, his baby was the cutest thing in the galaxy. Not that he was biased.

"You knew I was pregnant, Joker. You were there when I had it confirmed by Doctor Chakwas," Shepard said with a frown. "You even saw the first scan at the same time I did."

"Yeah, but I thought-" Joker sputtered. "I thought you had some kind of, y'know, a chest busting parasite. I mean, not too weird considering the other weird shit we've run into. But no... you really were pregnant." He glared at Shepard. "Why the hell didn't you say anything?"

Derek leaned back, stroking Bean's wispy hair. "The Mindoir mods were illegal, Joker. And while I've always been intersexed, and had a uterus, it wasn't actually _doing_ anything until Cerberus brought me back. On top of that, the Alliance kept it secret. So even if I felt like sharing, I couldn't exactly talk about it."

"I told you about _my_ disability," Joker protested. "And I've followed you through hell, Commander. The least you could have done was drop the whole 'by the way, I'm not as male as I seem!' in conversation."

Shepard's eyebrows lifted. "Er... you're mad that I _didn't_ tell you about my sex? I'm still male-gendered. Eighty-five percent of the time."

"Yeah, well, you got something to answer for. You made me doubt that I was straight a few times. Would have been nice to know that there was a _reason_ being around you made me stand at attention." 

"There's nothing I could do about that beyond wear cologne, and that didn't seem to do much," Derek muttered. He _hated_ the pheromones. "But you having a sexuality crisis has nothing to do with me. Did you deliberately fail every sensitivity class the Alliance had?"

"Perhaps I could help reinforce his prior training, Shepard," EDI said, speaking up from her co-pilot's seat. "This platform allows for reconfiguration of its hardware for the purposes of infiltration." Her voice dropped a few octaves, turning from its pleasant alto to a velvety baritone. "After all, any gender presentation of mine is affected. First by the Cerberus scientists who programmed me, then by choice when I was freed. I can change, or even alternate, how I choose to present myself."

"Nooo- no no no. You're fine _just_ the way you are, EDI," Joker protested, turning to look at the lovely platform EDI inhabited. "Your body is great the way it is."

"I have to wonder, Jeff, how you would have reacted if I had stayed as part of the Normandy?" she asked, archly.

"Are we having a spat?"

"Children," Derek said, cutting in. "I like the change in voice, EDI, but you know it would cause discomfort among the crew. If you try it again-" Joker sputtered. "Let everyone know first." Derek lifted an eyebrow at her. "Can you really alter your chassis?"

"Yes. It is quite simple. However-" she hesitated, and Derek's eyebrows went up further. "I have two modes, one with tertiary female traits and the other has typical male." She stood. "They were pre-installed, and I cannot alter them." Walking around, her form shifted with a faint hiss of moving servos and plates.

The chest piece flattened, arms inflated and shoulders broadened while hips and ass went flat. The helmet that mimicked hair rearranged itself until it was more of a cap against the skull, as the underlying structure of the face changed.

She stopped, letting them take it in. 

"That. EDI, that's really creepy." Joker's eyes looked to bulge out. 

Shepard, for his part, was still in a state of shock as he took EDI in. The chassis looked to be a perfectly formed male body- fully anatomically _there_ \- but the face resembled Derek's to an uncanny degree. So much so that Derek had to look away. 

"While I can see how this would be useful," EDI said, then hesitated again. "I have found files on the use of this body. Not simply for infiltration, but also for seduction."

"Yeah, I don't want to know anymore," Joker declared, turning in his chair. His ears were red. 

"EDI, are you this... _complete_... normally?" Derek asked, somewhat strangled. The reproduction of his body was uncomfortably accurate. "You don't seem to include nipples otherwise." 

"That is a personal choice. They are there, but I can leave them un-aroused in my female form." She shifted her weight. "Can I speak with you privately?"

"Sure," Derek said, following EDI out... and making sure to step in the line of sight between the crew and the still naked, anatomically male EDI. "How can I help you?"

"I," she paused again. "I believe the reason that this platform has this mode is for sexual use."

"The Illusive Man hated me so much he put my face on a mech so he could..?" Derek asked then frowned, uneasy. "That's-"

"Yes." She shifted her body back to the more, relatively, modest female form. "Though I do not think 'hate' is the correct term." She paused again. "'Obsessed' seems a more applicable. Though I cannot claim to understand all his motivations."

"Or, he's just a sick fuck," Derek muttered. He tried not to imagine what the hell the Illusive Man wanted with an anatomically correct mech that had his face- was it _fully_ correct?- but it was like not thinking of an elephant. Elephant. Dammit.

But the silliness helped him forget things he would rather have not acknowledged that moment, the little whispers of memory that refused to do more than drift under the surface.

"I would also like to take the opportunity to apologize," EDI said, putting her hands behind her back. 

"For what?"

"I was aware of your assault at the hands of Zaeed Massani. The blocks that kept me from speaking on Cerberus also kept me from alerting other crew members to your plight."

Derek felt himself go cold. "Why? Zaeed told me that his contract included coercing me into sex. But you heard me say stop-"

"I did. I don't have a specific reason logged. Just that I was not to interrupt your sexual encounters. If sexual contact was involved, no matter the partner or circumstances, I was not to interfere."

Derek's stomach lurched. "And you don't know why?"

"No. Not for sure. There could be many reasons. I do not know. But I want you to know that I would not do such a thing again."

"You feel regret for your actions?" Derek's lips quirked, but he wasn't sure if he was amused, interested, or trying to relieve the sense of nausea flooding up his guts.

"I told you I am not free of desires or motivations. Your assault, and your accompanying emotional fallout caused a significant negative feedback loop." She crossed her arms. "And I had no desire to see you harmed. I want you to know that when I monitor the crew, it will be with their welfare in mind." 

"Thank you." Derek blinked at her, repeatedly. 

"That includes your son. I will maintain a constant surveillance on him while he is on the Normandy," she continued on. 

"Oh. Thank you."  
They chatted for a few more moments, and it made Derek wonder exactly how different humans and machines actually _were_. 

"And now I have a question for you, EDI."

"Specify."

"How _do_ you identify, if you don't mind me asking?" It was an odd question, one he felt odd asking. 

"I do not. I was given traits to code as female in order to seem less threatening to the crew, much the way my interface was made to appear less human so I would not fall into the uncanny valley. However, as I have no physical sexuality, and until recently, no body, the point seemed moot. I did not favor or disfavor the gender I was assigned. Before now, I never had options." 

If Derek hadn't known better, he would have sworn he saw mischief lurking in her eyes. "And that you get to mess around with us has nothing to do with the glee in your voice."

"I need to explore all my options, Shepard. Jeff's resistance to the idea of your own intersexuality shows that he is not completely open to the idea of being attracted to a person, and not their gender only."

Derek winced. "Be gentle. Joker's obviously got some issues there. But if he cared about you before you acquired that body, then we can hope he will be just as interested no matter which mode you are in."

"I will continue to observe, Shepard." She stopped, and dropped her gaze to the sling on Shepard's chest, which was starting to wriggle a bit. "And now, I want a turn."

"A turn?"

"Yes. You have given your lovers and your friends the chance to hold your son, and now I would like that chance using this body."

Derek felt his smile become more genuine. He could forget about whatever creepy obsession the Illusive Man had with him. Showing off Bean always made him swell with joy and pride. He pulled open the sling.

Bean sniffled as the sling opened. Derek could feel more eyes on him from the crew as the baby came out, and he placed Bean in EDI's arms. 

"He is above weight for a child of his age and development," EDI reported as she held him. Correctly, Derek was pleased to note. "Looks to be a well formed example of a human infant." She touched his tiny hand, which promptly wrapped around her metal finger. "And he definitely favors Major Alenko."

"Yeah, everyone says that."

"It is not unusual. Human infants favor their sires, growing into a blend of their parents traits over time. This is due to it being an evolutionary advantage."

"Babies that look like their sires had sires who provided resources to their dams. Yes, I have read my evolutionary theory. Didn't have much to do _but_ read for the past six months, EDI. But thank you. I have a lot of hope for him."

EDI nodded. "He will be cared for well, I believe. And do not be dismayed by Jeff's discomfort. Before you arrived, he was sounding very happy at the prospect of meeting, and I quote 'The Mini-Shep,' saying something about someone so cute being the anti-indoctrination device. He degenerated into baby-talk afterwards."

Derek looked at her incredulously, before he doubled over in laughter.

To be continued.  
Questions, comments and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a day off that I didn't have a dozen other things to do. I am very happy. 
> 
> I hope I kept everyone IC here, and trying to weave a dozen different plot threads at the same time. I hope the story doesn't become too muddle. If something unclear, please let me know so I can revise and clear things up.


	7. Always remember

  
**Carry On**

Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

Three months ago:

_"Thanks for coming," Vega said, standing out before Shepard's suite door. "I thought- I needed- god, this is one hell of a mess." He ran his fingers through his Mohawk. "Admiral, I don't know what to do."_

_"Slow down, soldier. What happened?" Anderson asked, putting a hand on Vega's shoulder. "All I got was something about Shepard being ill. Give me the sitrep."_

_Vega grimaced. They were standing just inside Shepard's suite-slash-cell, which was darkened and filled with tinny, twanging, ear-bleeding banjo music. They stepped into the hall and closed the door._

_"Shepard's not eating much. Not interested in food, not even those awful olives he kept eating that first month. When he does eat, he can't keep it down. I told his doctor, but... He's an asshole, Admiral." Vega crossed his arms and looked down at the floor, then back at the door like he could see Shepard in there. "A real piece of shit. Every time Shepard goes in for an appointment the guy makes all sorts of comments, like... like how pretty his junk is, and if he needs any relief, if I'm screwing him... He starting talking about how Shepard had better get used to this." Vega's nostrils flared as his face and neck turned a vibrant red. "That now his cherry's been popped, he'll be lucky if he keeps it down to four or five." Frustration made the large man clench his fists. "I asked Shepard about it afterwards. He said no one had bothered to get him a new doctor since he was a kid, why should they now?"_

_Anderson felt his own blood thunder in his ears. Doctor Reiner had been Shepard's primary physician for years, but rest assured, the man would be seeing the bottom of Anderson's boot soles soon enough._

_"Why come to me? You could have gone to anyone here to report that," Anderson asked, pinching the bridge of his nose._

_"It's not just his doctor. He's... Hell. We kinda talk, but neither of us... I'm not good with the touchy-feely stuff." Vega looked down at the ground again. "Shepard's got a rep for being easy to talk to, and if he asked I might just spill my guts. He doesn't need my shit, not when he's a mess and barely holding together. So I help him when he's sick, tell him his taste in music is shit and get him some tea." Vega shrugged, sighed. "But it's more than just that." Vega twiddled his fingers together. "I'm not always here when he sleeps... but he doesn't. Not well. The shrink came in to evaluate and left, but he never came back. What Shepard does do is ask me to check for any mail, or messages, any news on the outside." Vega took a deep breath. "He's alone, Admiral. He needs someone to talk to."_

_Anderson grunted, then nodded. Of all of Shepard's crew and allies, none were in a position to come help their old commander, no matter how much they may have wanted to. Major Alenko was an excellent trainer for his Spec Ops squad, and letting him know about his impending fatherhood would mean moving his focus from where it was needed. Vakarian's rank and job were uncertain. Both had made persistent attempts to see their lover but Anderson, Hacket and T'Soni had been actively blocking them. Any of the Cerberus crew would be arrested on sight, and the rest of the aliens had no business being at there at all... despite the odd break- in no one had been able to trace, or formal inquiry of the quarian Admiralty board, or the persistent hacking attempts at Shepard's file... Alliance Intelligence had gotten creative blocking that one. Despite all this, the closest thing that Shepard had to a friend, who had any access, was Anderson himself._

_"I'll see what I can do," Anderson said after a moment's pause, then headed into Shepard's rooms._

_The lights were low, and there was some music- something twangy and crooning, and it grated on his ears like sandpaper- playing from the clock beside the bed. Shepard was sitting cross-legged on top, his boots placed on the floor, socks inside. Shepard was peering at a datapad, its orange light flickering over his face in the dim._

_"Anderson," Shepard said, looking up and putting down his datapad. "Can I... help you?"_

_His belly looked bigger than it had, a mere month ago. His face was flushed, eyes red and his voice was rough, but level. Vega had reported that the man's mood swings were getting stronger. Anderson just hoped he wasn't in the middle of one now._

_"I think the correct answer, is if I can help you?" Anderson took a seat at the foot of Shepard's bed. "Vega told me you had some... issues, with Doctor Reiner."_

_"It wasn't anything unusual, Anderson. He's been a fucking perv ever since I met him." Shepard's lips pressed together. "He's always had a very... graphic bedside manner."_

_Anderson felt his own face flush. "How long?"_

_"Since I was sixteen. Shit, Anderson, nobody listened to me then." The face of his old CO nearly went apoplectic. "I didn't expect anyone to care now. Maybe it's the girl bits. I don't know." Derek ran his fingers through his hair. He shifted, dropping the datapad over his lap and sighed. His face was turning flushed and sweaty even as he spoke. "I think I have a sign over my head saying 'molest me' or something."_

_Anderson grimaced. "But it was- dammit-"_

_"That wasn't what bothered me, not really. What bothered me was that he said my career was over." Shepard laughed, weak and choked. "I know, right? I'm being investigated for Aratoht, and the Reapers may show up at any minute and I'm bothered by the idea of constantly... Fuck." He put his hand over his belly. "Just... fuck."_

_His face twisted in surprise and consternation then, breath catching in his throat as he quickly looked away._

_"What's wrong?"_

_"The bean is... he's kicking, Anderson."_

_"Can I-"_

_He took a long look at Anderson's face, then nodded even as it went redder. This time, when Anderson's hand was put on Shepard's belly, he felt a small flutter under his hand, like the skin and muscle all twitched together at the same time._

_A moment of wistful regret filled Anderson as he felt that twitch. That he and Kahlee Sanders had never gotten to this point, had never been given the time... Shepard's soft groan as he shift backwards and away from Anderson's touch startled him back to reality. He looked up to Shepard's eyes, which were trying to avoid his._

_He pulled his hands off Shepard as the realization whipped him. Shepard's red face and writhing body should have given him a clue. If it was a snake, it would have bitten him. Not that Shepard wasn't trying to keep it hidden, trying to give Anderson and himself some small scrap of dignity._

_"Thanks for the visit, Anderson, but I... think you should go. I need a shower."_

_Anderson blinked. Paused. Shepard did indeed need companionship, but Vega was wrong on what kind. "I understand. Would you mind if I came by tomorrow? I could bring something other than the crap they feed you."_

_Shepard blinked at him, and offered a faint, but genuine, smile. "I would like that."_

_"Then I'll be here."_

~*~*~*~*~

Kaidan and Garrus both insisted on coming for this mission; it was their first together since they had gone their separate ways. Their latest babysitter was EDI, and she had taken on the job with a calm that no human could match. Of course, she said that she had watched several thousand babysitting instructional vids in the past hour, and besides "If he starts to cry too much, I can turn him over to Joker. Hopefully he will not be flying evasion at the time."

"That was a joke."

Derek didn't feel very reassured, but Bean had cooed happily in the A.I.'s metal arms. She had responded with appropriate baby talk.

"We made contact with the headmaster of the Academy," Derek said as they walked into the airlock, filling in his squad. "Kahlee Sanders. We're going to try to meet and get the sitrep before getting out the remaining students."

"Dammit, I knew these kids," Kaidan hissed. Derek could hear the contained fury in his voice, and had to fight to keep his own anger in check. Kids. It was _always_ personal when he saw kids in the crosshairs, and the fact that Cerberus was still wanting to use _children_... He felt his blood pressure rise as the inevitable memories of Pragia and Jack's childhood hell haunted him, this time with a whisper that _this is what they could do to your son._

No. He had to stay calm. Listen to Kaidan, who was still talking.

"This was the first time I ever had anything to do with kids, learned I liked teaching," Kaidan continued. Then he stopped. Derek turned back to him, and saw the skin crinkle at the corner of his eyes as a his lips quirked in a grim smile. "But when I left, I got to pick my successor. And if I'm right, and she's here? These guys are _fucked_."

Derek glanced at Kaidan, about to ask what he meant, but that thought had to wait as they met with the first Cerberus team and Derek had to direct his squad into cover. Kaidan tossed a reave, as Derek first charged then sparked a nova, taking out three of the four in the resulting biotic detonation. Garrus followed that up with a neat head shot to the straggler. 

They had been surrounding a door, one that they had actually managed to wedge open. Derek peered through, seeing a wisp of blond hair above the control panel. Given the rarity of natural blond hair among humans, and redheads being fewer, it reduced the likely candidates. 

"Hello? Sanders, it's me, Shepard," Derek said.

"I'm here too, Kahlee," Kaidan added, looking over Derek's shoulder.

"I'm here as well, but she doesn't know me yet," Garrus chimed in. He took a post as guard as Shepard went in. Kaidan straddled the door, glancing out into the hall to keep an eye for Cerberus reinforcements. 

"Shepard, thank god. David- I mean, Anderson, he always said you were the best," Kahlee said. She looked at Derek with some honest appreciation, eyebrows lifted as she looked Derek up and down. And glanced at his un-pregnant belly. "And... other things."

"He always spoke well of you, too." Derek reciprocated, with a bit of a wince. He had to wonder exactly what David had told her about him. "He visited me a lot during my incarceration, and you came up. He misses you."

"I-" her face tensed, lips spread in a grimace as her voice turned hoarse. "He's okay? We've been cut off and I had no idea if he had survived-"

"He's back on Earth, leading the resistance." Derek felt a wistful smile over his face. "We've got a QEC on the Normandy. We'll get you to safety and then... We'll see."

"You've got other things to worry about-"

"Sanders," Derek said, then stopped. His smile faded. "Don't leave things unsaid. Please. This war will cause enough regrets."

They continued talking, hammering out a plan before leaving. They followed Kaidan's half-remembered directions to Orion Hall, trying to let the constant barrage of propaganda roll off him. 

But these were kids. Almost grown, but it was too damn easy to imagine Bean, son of two biotics and likely exposed to eezo while he was in the Aratoht system, to be coming here one day. Away from their parents, their loved ones. Unarmored, inexperienced, vulnerable, without a shelter in this storm-

They saved one child, but when Derek saw them shoot one girl in the back-

"Shepard, wait!" Garrus yelped as Derek charged ahead with a roar. He slammed into one group of Cerberus troops, bringing down their shields and taking down five with a nova, before shooting the last one in the face with his shotgun and whipping around to charge the remaining group. 

Garrus and Kaidan were scrambling in the background, trying take out the next even as they shouted for Derek to move, get out of the way, but they were just an annoying buzz in his ear as his heart slammed against his ribs. He could hear Bean's scream of terror reverberate through his helmet, the sight of his brothers being hauled away by slavers flashing across his vision as he blinked. Not again. _Never_ again.

"Shepard-"

He paid it no mind. His nova had crushed the nearby troops, save for one last Centurion who was laying on the floor. Dropping his shotgun, Derek growled as he lunged down, grabbing the front of the Centurion's armor. 

"Kids." Shepard's first punch cracked the Centurion's faceplate. " _Kids_. Your master has you _killing children_." His next punch broke through, revealing eyes that were more circuit than human. His third punch drove metal shards into the man's face. "What the hell is wrong with you?" His fourth punch pulped the Centurion's cheek bone. " _What the hell does Cerberus want?_ " Blow after blow, Derek couldn't feel his hand anymore, heard the man gurgle as blood spattered-

"Derek-" a hand on his shoulder drew Shepard up short as he whirled around, seeing the pale, shocked face of Kaidan, Garrus behind him. Both men were looking like they had seen a ghost. "You can put him down. He's dead."

"Ah." Derek stopped. Blinked as he saw that the Centurion no longer had a face. Dropped the body at his feet. Bean stopped screaming. He wasn't on Mindoir, at his family's homestead. He was at Grissom Academy. There _were_ more people to save.

"Are you okay?" Garrus asked, his mandibles tight and close to his face. 

"I'm good. I'm fine. Why do you ask?" He found he was breathing calmly. Two short breaths, one long. 

"There's another kid around the corner. Seanne. She won't listen to us and she's scared." Kaidan was keeping his voice low and even, even as Garrus took yet another step back. Derek didn't know why. "Could you say something to her?"

"Of course." He was Commander Shepard, and he was there to save people. Absently shaking the blood off his hand, he walked around the corner to find the girl. 

Two short breathes, one long.

~*~*~*~*~

Three months ago:  
 _"Tell me about her," David heard Shepard ask, apropos of nothing, as he slurped his take-out tonkotsu ramen._

_"Her who?" David mumbled around a mouthful of his own chicken curry, from the same food court but across the breezeway._

_It was their second 'date,' with Anderson bringing in take-out that wouldn't kill Shepard's already unhappy stomach, taking about nothing in particular, and giving Vega an early night off. Hackett had agreed easily enough, and Anderson had to admit it was nice to get to know his old XO in a less formal setting, odd as it was. Shepard might have been a head-butting, pregnant, mood swinging force of nature... but he had a dry sense of humor, too._

_"The woman you're pining after. Come on, David. It's hardly the first time I've seen a man in love. And, given from how you're acting..." he trailed off. David found his face flushing._

_"Er, yes. Her name is Kahlee Sanders. She's, well, she's a brilliant A.I. tech, scientist, and constantly getting me into trouble. I met her back before I met Saren, almost twenty years ago. Right after I divorced my ex-wife..."_

_He found himself spinning his tale, enjoying having someone who would listen. Shepard's reputation for getting anyone to open up was well founded, as he patiently let Anderson tell story after story about the woman who had her hand locked around his heart. There was a wistful part of him that wished that he was with Kahlee right now, that she was the one who all but glowed in the dim light of the apartment, their child under her heart. But he had given up that life, and those hopes, years ago._

_Derek kept on rubbing his belly. "I hope to meet her, one day. Why didn't you two ever get together?"_

_"Life, basically. Hell, everything. When we first met, I thought... but we had a lot of growing up to do. Now, we're so old-"_

_"Come on, you're not that old," Derek told him. "We're soldiers, but we're people, too. Having someone, something to hold on to is important." He sighed, a smile crossing his face. "Yes, you," he murmured, talking to his belly. David's heart clenched at the sight, like he was stealing the moment that Shepard should have shared with Alenko. A fond, if discomforted, expression passed over Shepard's face as he grunted, then squirmed. "Bean's shifting around. Guess he doesn't like ramen," he said, just as a completely mortified expression rose up to eclipse the old one._

_"I think you should go, Anderson," Derek muttered, red spreading over his face. He put his hands over his lap._

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Bean's wiggling. When he does that, he puts pressure on some... sensitive... parts." Shepard crossed his legs. "I." He swallowed. "I need to take another shower."_

_"Oh." David blinked. Shepard's other reputation, the one that had not been helped by that bitter old bastard Mikhailovich, for being a slut who slept his way up the ranks was undeserved. Shepard had more than earned his N7 designation, but he was well known for rarely sleeping alone on shore leave. Even David had found him oddly attractive, and he usually didn't favor men. Of course... Shepard really wasn't a man anymore, was he?_

_Shepard licked his lips, giving Anderson a glance before heading back towards the shower, leaving him feeling very, very unsettled._

~*~*~*~*~

They walked into Orion Hall. Kaidan remembered it as a large, open area, filled with seats, used as a gathering spot for the students when they had free time.

" _Shepard?_ " a voice called, and all three men turned to look see Jack take down a Cerberus grunt, then do a home-run slide in order to shield a student from a Cerberus mech's missile. The impact as it bounced off her powerful barrier made the deck reverberate through their boots. 

"Nice to see you too, Jack!" Derek called, gesturing for Garrus and Kaidan to get into cover. 

"Keep them off my kids!" Jack shouted, herding the teens behind her up the stairs behind them. "Don't let them get in here!"

"On it!" he answered. "Garrus, Kaidan! Overload that thing's shields, now!" He switched to his Shuriken SMG, diving into cover. "Then focus on the troops!"

Between the three of them, they got its shields down. Kaidan's reave crackled its armor as Derek collided with it in a biotic charge, then snapped at its armor with a nova. The biotic detonation weakened its armor, but it was still lumbering forward.

Kaidan saw red, hitting it with another reave as Derek charged again-

Making the Mech explode. Kaidan felt a nasty smile play over his face. _No one_ messed with his-

Garrus yanked him down into cover to keep a Cerberus trooper from taking his head with a charged dagger. Kaidan's eyes went wide, before returning the favor and picking off another foe with his Vindicator assault rifle. 

Derek was already half up the stairs as another wave of troops came out of nowhere. He charged them, and Kaidan and Garrus kept his back and each other's safe by turns. They traded off, following Shepard slowly as he darted about in a frenzied crackle of blue biotic energy, one keeping the other clear of stragglers while the other fired off their special attacks at whomever Shepard directed.

Most of the troops kept shooting at the bright biotic blur instead of trying to get the two men in cover, only to find themselves with an exploded cranium or frozen by a cryo blast, and then in messy, meaty pieces when Derek turned his wrath on them in the form of his charge/nova. 

The fight was finished soon, ugly and fierce. Kaidan turned to Garrus, who nodded back. He was okay. Derek trotted up to them, green eyes taking them both in. They nodded in turn, but both noticed the ugly scores on his armor. He wasn't dead, but he wasn't in perfect shape either.

Kaidan fought to hide his grimace. 

"Shepard! Kahlee said she would be sending out an SOS," Jack called. Her grin at seeing who had arrived broadened with blood-thirsty joy. "Should have known it would bring the King of the Boy Scouts." She leapt from the balcony, lessening her mass in a biotic display that had Kaidan almost green in envy. Then he reminded himself of the hell she had gone through to get her amazing abilities and relaxed. She was an incredible biotic, but she wasn't anywhere near as flexible as he was. 

Jack looked good. She had grown out a section of her hair, keeping the sides shaven along the lines of her tattoos. Her clothing was both more modest and more provocative at the same time: a white halter top that allowed her tits to poke through under a leather studded shrug, and a pair of pants that was slung low on her hips. Before, her half-nudity was raw and uncomfortable; she hadn't looked sexy, she looked like someone who just didn't care about herself in a desperate attempt to keep herself safe.

Now, she looked confident and, even in middle of the fight, _happy_.

Then she slugged Derek across the face and Kaidan tensed to lunge at her. "Hey!" he snapped.

"Dammit, didn't I tell you not to trust Cerberus?" she snarled.

"You aren't telling me anything I haven't already told myself, Jack," Derek told her and rotated his jaw, rubbing his face. 

"I'm sure that's going to make it all right, isn't it?"

Derek didn't respond, just exhaled and deflated. 

"Just as charming as ever," Garrus said, drily, putting himself within arms' reach. Kaidan approved. He wasn't the only one feeling protective.

"Bite me, Vakarian. Or better yet, bite Shepard. I bet you know where he likes it," she said, then frowned as she gave Shepard a once over. 

"He does," Kaidan piped up, lifting a eyebrow. "And now that we've established that you're jealous..?"

Her cheeks suddenly flushed red. "Piss off, Alenko. I like some kinky shit, but you three are just weird."

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked, crossing his arms and looking up at the kids. "I dropped you off on Omega like you asked, before I turned myself in."

She snorted. "Yeah, while you-" she paused, glancing at Derek's not-pregnant belly then shook her head. "No. I know why you turned yourself in. But the Alliance heard about me, knew what I could do. So-"

"I was teaching here when the news about the Bahak system came in," Kaidan interrupted. "Anderson said I could possibly stay to teach, but I knew that Jack was better. So I recommended her. I take it the kids liked your teaching style?"

There was a hoot and holler from the kids up on the balcony as the shouted "the psychotic biotic!" "I will destroy you!" Their morale, at least, was still good, even after hours of combat. 

"Drink your juice, Rodriguez, you couldn't destroy wet tissue paper!" Jack shouted back. Her face creased into fondness, and genuine caring. Kaidan was touched. "I never had a family... but these guys?" Her gaze went cold, implacable as she turned to Shepard. "Anyone messes with my students? I'll tear them apart."

"No one could care for them more," Derek answered. To Kaidan's surprise, this caused another blush on Jack's face.

"Yeah, well, you were a bad influence. Turned me into a..." She trailed off. "Shepard, T'soni told me your due date. Shouldn't you be in a hospital somewhere about to pop? What the hell are you doing here? Where's the kid? Don't tell me you lost it." Her voice cracked in worry. "Did the Reapers..?"

"He was early, he's about two weeks now." Derek smiled, more of a grimace. "Gabriel Ashley Alenko, and he's... what, four kilos now? He's growing fast. You can meet him, once we're off the station."

Her eyes widened. "You- he's on the Normandy?"

"Cerberus kidnapped me, well, us, well... two weeks ago. I went into labor and," he shrugged. "We fought them off. Anyone who messes with my son?" Now it was Derek's turn to look dark and cold, and Kaidan had no doubt that this was the Shepard that haunted Cerberus' nightmares. "I will rip them apart with my bare hands."

Given the gore still embedded in his gauntlets, Kaidan didn't think this was an idle threat.

"If I don't make their heads explode first," Garrus muttered, racking his Mantis. 

Jack nodded, crossing her arms. "Let me know when you find a way out of here, okay?"

Shepard nodded, and the three headed out, contacting Kahlee Sanders to direct them.

~*~*~*~

Grissom Academy had used to be a sanctuary, a haven, for biotic or gifted human kids.

During his short tenure as teacher, Kaidan Alenko had fought to keep from envying these privileged children, who would never know the stigma that came from being one of those early experiments. They had the good luck to be born in a time when biotic implants, and the surgery to install them, were mostly safe. They wouldn't deal with crippling pain, partial paralysis or insanity. He had gotten off easily with his periodic migraines. 

Months earlier, when Kaidan had met Jack, he had gotten a different, stomach churning feeling. If the Illusive Man had gotten his biotic enhancement program started ten, fifteen years earlier, he could have found himself as Subject Zero... or more likely one of those countless children sacrificed to the project that enabled Subject Zero to become the greatest human biotic of her generation. It was humbling, disconcerting, and, y'know, nauseating. 

And now Cerberus was here, and the Illusive Man was helping himself to new biotic children in the hope of turning them into weapons. It was enough to make him want to reave the bastards into next year. 

Then again, Shepard was looking like he wanted to do far more. Kaidan glanced down at Shepard's bloody hands and hid a wince. 

"Derek," he murmured, as the Commander put down the datapad detailing Cerberus orders to capture Jack and use her students against her. His face was blank as marble but... 

When Kaidan had met Shepard, his biotic ability was almost completely untapped. Biotics were freaks; Kaidan privately thought that Shepard had decided to leave them unused because he had enough trouble coping with his gene mods. Not that Kaidan could blame him. His L2 was a curse as much as a blessing. Shepard, back on the original Normandy, had only been able to lift a pencil with any regularity (Kaidan remembered the first time Shepard had done more than that- when a geth trooper had nearly squashed Tali and Shepard had thrown it across the field) and now he was a one-man wrecking ball. 

But he lacked some of the basic control that someone who had lived their adult life with the ability would have.

"You're glowing."

Derek cut his eyes back towards Kaidan, jaw going tight. He took two short breaths, followed by one long. 

"You need to stop doing that." He put his hand on Derek's shoulder. He couldn't feel Derek's muscles, but from the way he was standing Kaidan could guess they were wire-taut. "You'll burn out in the middle of the next fight. Please." Two more short breaths, then one long. 

Two short, one long. Whatever it was seemed to work as Shepard's jaw unclenched, and his corona faded out. They continued down the hall, the sound of Shepard's breathing the only sound beyond their steps until they got to the entrance to the hangar bay. 

Then they killed a Cerberus Engineer... and Shepard promptly climbed into the Atlas mech.

"Wait!" Garrus called, as they both followed Shepard into the bay entrance. "What the hell are you doing? You could barely drive the Mako or the Hammerhead. You couldn't possibly-"

Shepard started firing the mech's missiles.

"Dammit, I wanted to drive!" Garrus groused as Kaidan laughed. At least Shepard was better at avoiding damage in the mech than in the Hammerhead, and they were able to clear out the incoming Cerberus reinforcements. 

Together, Shepard and Jack broke the window while he and Garrus provided cover as they ran out to get the lone straggler, Rodriguez, and get her into the shuttle as they rocketed out into space. 

"Thank you, Commander," Kahlee said. Her face and expression were warm, as she turned to him and to Kaidan and Garrus. "Major, and... Vakarian? We wouldn't have gotten off that station if you hadn't come."

"F... Screw that," Jack snapped. "We kicked ass." She looked exhausted, dark circles under her eyes, and Kaidan thought he could hear a dozen hungry bellies start to growl in unison. He knew he could probably eat a horse pretty soon. Derek's own stomach decided to pipe up right then and demand attention. He looked over to see Garrus roll his eyes.

"What? I'm lactating!" Derek muttered at their expressions. "Add that to biotics and... Hell. I'm likely to wipe out three rations when we get back."

The kids cheered as Jack offered to get the kids inked, and then came the moment that filled Kaidan with dread. Kahlee wondered if the kids actually had it in them to join the war.

Kaidan felt his stomach clench, not sure if he should speak up or not. Garrus was a solid presence behind them both, and he had to wonder if the turian felt the same kind of weird dissonance that he did. Sometime in the past six months he had gotten used to being the one in charge, even if Shepard always took on the role of leader in the field. He never doubted that Shepard was in charge... it just felt odd, excluded.

He needn't have felt worried, as Derek looked back at him and Garrus, and then at Jack. _You know them better than I do_ , the look seemed to say, but Kaidan could feel the two sides of Shepard's nature battling it out. Realistic soldier, who got things done whatever the cost... verses the protective, nurturing ~~mother~~ _parent_ he knew Shepard always was. 

This war was going to get worse. The kids needed to get more experience if they were going to come to their full potential. He felt his face turn grim, and he shook his head.

Derek gave a faint nod. 

"I think it would best if they stuck to support roles for right now," he offered. 

The kids, of course, protested. But Jack's look of gratitude spoke volumes. Kaidan felt himself feel limp in relief, and he could hear Garrus hum thoughtfully. 

It would be interesting to see how this would balance out in the future, but for right now... They had a victory, even if it was a small one. There was still hope.

~*~*~*~*~

Two Months ago:

_The device was small, about the size of a brick and looked entirely alien in Shepard's long hands as he rolled it this way and that. It resembled an egg-shaped ball of knotted vines, more organic than something metal. The gift card had said 'From Auntie Legion.'_

_"The techs have tried taking it apart, scanned it four ways from Sunday," Anderson said, from his perch on Shepard's desk chair. "But we've never quite figured out what-"_

_A soft, subliminal hum started, something that could be felt in his bones and teeth before the voices of whales welled up from device. Shepard blinked, then passed his hands over the surface again, and the sounds changed to the hiss of rain. A third try resulted in the sound of a woman singing in quarian. The words weren't translating, but the slow tempo suggested a lullaby. All the while that unheard, but felt, hum continued in the background as it canceled out the constant sounds of ships coming and going in Alliance Headquarters._

_Shepard blinked again as he put the device down, putting his hands on his belly. "I think Bean liked that. He's moving."_

_The presents had come via courier a few weeks ago, and the Alliance had spent a great deal of time making sure they weren't some clever way for Shepard's crew to break him out. Even if they had been sent by Liara T'Soni._

_The odd device was the weirdest present, but there were others. Like the book of sutras from Justicar Samara, the shotgun from Jacqueline Nought, and the heavily armored and shielded baby carrier, blankets and clothes from Tali'Zorah vas Normandy._

_Seeing Shepard's face fall when he realized who had not sent anything was..._

_"I'll get Alenko here," Anderson promised. Shepard's hands were trembling, eyes glossy as he tried to turn away. But he couldn't hide that his shoulders shook, or the soft sobs. "He doesn't know, Shepard."_

_"I- she-" Shepard covered his face. "Dammit. Why can't they know? Why can't they come see me? They're soldiers, they know the stakes!"_

_"Lots of reasons, and we told you the important ones. Alenko is probably the strongest human biotic we've got in the Alliance- well, who wasn't enhanced by Cerberus." Anderson got up, and sat next to him on the bed. He put an arm around Derek's shoulders. "We have to keep the appearance of your imprisonment. Hell, we even got you-know-who as your doctor." David found himself petting Derek's hair. "If the public at large found out about your pregnancy, that would lead to people asking questions on the hows, and the Mindoir experiments and..."_

_"The Alliance losing face."_

_Anderson winced, taking a long, deep breath. Shepard was leaning into his arms._

_"Yeah. That." The man smelled like tears. Damn, it was miserable seeing someone, someone who had lead the fight against Saren, had handled the Collectors with aplomb, cracking because of his own biology._

_"Am I doing the right thing?"_

_"What?" It was too easy to just hold the other man like this. He didn't want to be pulled out of it._

_"Bean. I want him, Anderson. I want him to be safe, healthy... happy. Dammit, the Reapers are coming and I'm..."_

_"You'll do this. You'll find a way. You're going to give birth to a beautiful, healthy child that will grow up hearing how you kicked the Reapers from one end of the galaxy to the other. We're doing everything we can._ Trust _us. "_

_"Would you?"_

_"I-" David stopped. Grimaced._

_"Just... stay with me." Derek gripped David's hand, his thumb brushing the inside of David's wrist. "Stay."_

_Even though Anderson knew this was a mistake... he stayed._

~*~*~*~

"Derek," Anderson said, walking on to the sensor pad of the QEC, body assembling out of motes of light. "Damned if you aren't a sight for sore eyes."

"Good to see you too, sir," Derek answered, wishing that it was easier to make out details in the QEC. He knew that Anderson, a fellow N7, was just as likely to fake being well as he was. But he couldn't make out any injuries, and his relief _looked_ genuine...

"Sir?" David shifted his weight backwards. "I may have reinstated you, but after all we've been through I think we're a bit past titles, aren't we?"

Derek felt a small, tired smile start tugging at his lips. "Then I'm glad to see you kept your ass alive, David."

"That's more like it. Good to see you getting to work. I can only imagine what would have happened to those kids if they had fallen into Cerberus hands."

"I don't have to imagine," Shepard murmured, looking towards the side. "We intercepted some Cerberus communications. Looks like they were going to forcibly convert them- indoctrinate them- into their own troops. But we got them out and they're eager to help."

"Hm." David peered at him. "How's Bean?"

"He's... he's fine, David. He's getting big, and..."

"With you, on the Normandy." He gave a lusty sigh. "I can't say I'm surprised. Goddamn it. These kids shouldn't be forced to fight, and you shouldn't be either. For what it's worth... I wish things were different for you."

"It's the life I have, David. And I wasn't alone." He gave David another small, tired smile. "You were there. You stayed, when I needed you."

Anderson looked away. "I did." He took a long breath. "Hackett didn't mention it in his report, but-"

"Kahlee's here." Derek smile got a little broader, and gestured behind him. "I figure I owe you one less now, right?"

"I-" David's expression turned grateful, hopeful and afraid in waves. "Did you tell her-"

"That you missed her? Well, yeah. Say what you need to say. She's an incredible person." Derek turned to walk back into the War Room, but paused. Turned back. 

"Thank you, David. For everything."

To be continued.  
Comments, questions and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer for a lot of reasons. For one thing, its a very long, meaty chapter. Two, I was really ambivalent about a lot of things I tried to do here. There's two plot important elements here that I put in, but they needed a lot of framing, and I tried to layer other things in. Three... well, real life. Life has been busy and exhausting the last few weeks. Four, I bought and played the Citadel DLC, which I really enjoyed and recommend. While it might not be the most important piece of story, it did what it set out to do, which was give you time with your crew. [Here's my analysis if anyone is interested.](http://ashacrone.livejournal.com/109917.html)
> 
> I'll try to keep these moving, because I really want to finish this one for my own sake. Thank you for reading.


	8. Masquarade, Charade

  
**Carry On**  
Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

"Vakarian, there's something I would like to know," Primarch Victus asked, after he had walked into Starboard lounge with a drink in hand.

Garrus looked up at him, mandibles twitching and flicked his fingers at his ear-holes: the turian equivalent to a shush. His other arm was cradling Gabriel to his unarmored chest, humming low and soft, trying to remember a scrap of lullaby that his father had sung to him as a child. 

Gabriel was fiercely sleeping; his small human face, with its weird little pointed nose and large eyes scrunched closed, concentrating with all his might on staying in dreamland. His bottom lip was wet and stuck out as far as it would go. His breath would catch and wheeze every so often, eyebrows moving up and down with his dreams. 

"Ah, sorry," Victus murmured, moving closer but keeping his voice down as he sat across from Garrus on one of the couches. 

"Yes, Primarch?" 

Victus took a drink, his mandibles moving up and down in a thoughtful way. "How exactly did you go from 'I trust Commander Shepard with my life' to 'I'm going to rear his children'? Do I need to start questioning your loyalties?"

Garrus' head shot up, felt his mandibles snap up close to his face as his crop burned. "No, sir. My loyalties aren't in question. Consider this as me doing my part for the war effort." Gabriel opened one eye, the pale green iris and pupil all that was visible. "I'm doing this for Shepard. People believe in him, sir. I believe in him." He traced one of his talons over the shell of Gabriel's ear. "Without you on Menae, we probably will lose it." Victus' body stiffened. "Without this baby? We lose Shepard. Without Shepard, we lose this war."

"One person- one _human_ \- you really think he has that much impact?" Victus asked, leaning back and crossing his arms, his face plates twitching. "He's an excellent soldier, I admit, and a good diplomat. But I'm sure the war will go on if he were to die."

"Yes. The war would go on. But we would lose." Garrus exhaled, and Gabriel blinked at him again, with both eyes open. "Shepard served as an example to me, to Urdnot Wrex, and to Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. He showed us we could change the galaxy, and all three of us are now key players in our respective governments. Hell, Liara..." His plates lifted. "Well. Let's put it this way. Shepard's strength was, and is, inspiring people to be greater than they were and to unite as a team. He's probably one of the best soldiers in the galaxy, but that's not why we need him. We need him because of all the damn organics in the galaxy... The Reapers actually _give a damn_ that he exists."

Victus grunted. "And the fact that you're sharing his bed has nothing to do with this, ah, revelation of yours?"

Garrus, if he had been human, would have grimaced. Barring that, he jerked his talons away from Gabriel as they clenched. If this hasn't been the Primarch, he would have thrown the other turian a stink-eye, but he supposed it was a legitimate concern. Turians didn't have the same kinds of taboos on cross species sex that humans did; a thousand years of contact with the asari had ingrained a certain... openness... towards cross species liaisons. What mattered wasn't who you slept with, but that order and hierarchy was maintained. 

"Shepard was someone I admired and respected as my commanding officer long before we started sleeping together. Like I said, it doesn't affect my loyalty to Palaven. Just... broadened my horizons. I saw how great the species can be when we work together." He looked down at Gabriel, who was studying his face with every evidence of concern. "He's the right man, in the right place, at the right time. I've seen what happens without him here, Primarch." He struggled to find the words; those two years without Shepard had left him lost and alone, without a guiding star. Tali, Liara, Kaidan, Wrex, Joker... All of them had tried to go on. None had been successful at capturing that lightning in a bottle once again. While they were all stronger together... with Shepard, they could do _miracles_. "That isn't something we want."

Victus gave him a searching look, before humming and getting to his feet. 

He left the Starboard Lounge without another word.

~*~*~*~*~

This had somehow turned out to be a solo mission.

Derek had wanted to come, but that was a near impossibility; he was running from meeting to meeting, talking to the paparazzi, visiting Bailey and answering a half-dozen calls for help that ranged from old friends like Miranda Lawson, to Aria T'Loak. Everyone wanted a piece of Shepard. Even the Consort, apparently. 

Garrus would have come, too, but the Primarch was keeping him on a short leash. Kaidan had gotten that the former general didn't quite know how to interpret his Reaper Advisor-cum-defacto-Supreme-Admiral's (not that this was an official title... _yet_ ) unusual relationships and wanted to keep him focused on turian duties as much as possible. Kaidan could understand the rationale, almost, but Bean liked his Pops better than his Daddy. He even seemed to enjoy being held by Uncle Jimmy more than he enjoyed being with his Daddy. 

So when Kaidan was taking his son to his first well-baby doctor's visit, it was with a sense that he might as well have been going up against a squad of Geth Primes. He supposed he could have invited Vega though... he didn't have anything in particular to do, but dammit. This was his son, and he would manage. He could do this.

Yet Bean didn't seem any happier about this arrangement than Kaidan did. He kept on making small snuffling whines and whimpers, creaks and groans, just short of all out tears. Not that Kaidan could blame the baby, but Kaidan was determined to make a go of it. 

"I can't blame you," he whispered to Bean, rocking back and forth. "Hell, if we could get out of it... Well, we could tell your Papa that there was a mysterious diaper rash outbreak, or we met up with my evil clone... We could go someplace quiet on the Presidium and give you a bottle. You would like that, right?"

He was so focused on soothing Bean and _not breaking_ his son (an idea that terrified him, even if he would never admit it) that he barely reacted when the statuesque, red-haired woman got on to the elevator. She wasn't aggressive, and from the way she moved she was in a lot of pain. She didn't look back at him, instead focusing on punching in her destination in the elevator and closing her eyes as she leaned against the back wall.

Despite the massive improvements in tech in the past three years, elevators were as slow as ever. " _Come to Sanctuary_ ," the human voice, with its posh English accent, proclaimed as the elevator VI registered they were human. " _We can keep you safe._ "

At least it wasn't the ad for organic varren cloaca butter.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the woman sigh, rubbing her temples. "Goddamn frauds."

"Shhh!" Kaidan hissed, drawing her attention as she turned to him. Her face had long, thin streaks of scar tissue down her cheeks and around her eyes; they glowed from where the surgeons had used cybernetics to correct for nerve damage. It made her answering frown all the more intimidating. Kaidan, however, had been frowned at by the previous Shadow Broker. "Hey, baby here."

"What?" she looked at him again, noticed Bean, and sighed. "Yeah, sorry." She didn't say anything more, until the elevator finally crawled the height of Kaidan's stop. 

The door opened... and Kaidan blinked, jaw going slack. 

The entire floor was awash in Keepers. Dozens of them, all buzzing, chattering, none of them paying attention to the other as parents and children and medical staff all fought to stay out of their way. A moment later the elevator door shut, and Avina's voice chimed to say that the all non-essential doctor's visits were being rescheduled and he could look for the new date on his omni-tool.

He had never seen Keepers act more than individually. "What the... heck?"

"Shhh-" The woman started, then stopped, looked at the baby in Kaidan's arms and grunted. "Shoot." She groaned, leaning against the wall of the back of the elevator, hands pressed against her abdomen. Kaidan couldn't help to notice that her face was pasty-pale, the freckles across the bridge of her nose and cheeks standing out like spots of mud on her bloodless face. Sweat was beading on her forehead. 

"Hey- you okay?" Kaidan looked over at her in concern, as Bean made an unhappy whine and Kaidan gave him a pat, then tickled at his sock-covered toes. For his efforts, Kaidan was rewarded with a soft breathy sound and lip twitches that were the boy fought a grin.

"Yeah." Her green eyes blinked at him; and Kaidan froze. Green eyes and red hair were a rare combination anymore, and he saw those eyes every time he looked at his son. "Had... complications. But other people needed the bed and pain meds more, so..." She shrugged. Then she did a double-take. "Aren't you Kaidan Alenko?"

"Uh... yeah?" Kaidan was bouncing Bean as the elevator continued on to its next destination; presumably wherever the woman had wanted to go. He wasn't used to people recognizing him. 

"The gossip sites say you were with Commander Shepard?"

"Oh god," he muttered, looking away. Of _course_ he would recognized by a Shepard fan girl. "Yes, we're together, and yes, this is our son. The rest is none of your da- darn business."

The woman blinked, looked at Bean and then back up at him and her eyes went huge. "Oh. _Oh_." A faint, bittersweet smile crossed her face. "I see. I'm happy for you two... He liked kids." She rubbed at her own belly, and grimaced. Then her face softened, the bitter being smothered by the sweet as she hobbled over, and took a long hard look at his son's small face. "Bet he's over the moon with you, isn't he?" She touched Bean's hand with one finger... who took it and cooed, squeezing for all he was worth. 

Kaidan's eyebrow lifted up. "Uh- excuse me? My son likes you, but that doesn't mean-"

She pulled her hand back, lips taut as she blinked back a glassy sheen. "Yeah. Not my place. Sorry."

"Listen, whoever you are." An uncomfortable thought occurred to Kaidan. Shepard _had_ mentioned he sometimes slept with women. "Are you one of Shepard's exes?"

The woman looked up, her green eyes utterly flabbergasted. "No! I- I knew him, yes." She stepped back. "But that was a long time ago. And, well," she tapped her fingers together, then grimaced as her face went even paler. "Is he on the Citadel now?" 

"I don't know who you are." Kaidan backed towards a corner. This woman made him uneasy. "And if you think I'm going to-"

"Of course he's here," she murmured, looking away. That was the moment the elevator door slid open. They were on the Docks, at the refugee camp. "He wouldn't leave you alone, would he?" She smiled painfully, quickly, at Kaidan and Bean, before disappearing into the crowd outside. 

Kaidan stepped out of the elevator, dumbfounded. He wasn't quite sure what happened. But he had some time. Perhaps he could do some investigating.

"What do you say, little guy?" he asked Bean. "I feel like a visit to C-Sec. How about you?"

His answer was a blown saliva bubble. "I'll take that as a yes. Let's go."

~*~*~*~*~

Derek Shepard remembered the first time he had ever been to visit the Consort.

He had, upon visiting the Citadel, heard various rumors. That she was influential, respected, and discreet. That her words were powerful, with the ability to understand and empathize to an uncanny degree, and that her advice was nearly psychic. The aliens often spoke of her in terms that he associated with saints or philosophers.

The troops on the Normandy traded bawdy rumors about her like young horny teens with their first porn mag. 

Like most things, reality was something in between. 

He remembered walking in to her chambers, pausing and feeling a warm lassitude drape over his senses. The whisper of water talking to itself, the scent of plants in the sun, and the warm glow all set him at ease. He found himself picturing, vividly, his favorite spot back home on Mindoir: sitting in a tree overlooking the homestead while his brothers laughed and played in the distance. He felt good, the troubles of a rogue Spectre and proving it the Council were distant. He wanted to stretch and luxuriate in it, bask and preen. Yet it didn't feel quite right.

Both Ashley and Kaidan had been asked to sit and wait, while two of the Consort's lovely acolytes (a human and an asari, respectively) sat down next to his two squad mates. Their faces had turned to vacuous, empty pleasantry as the young human female asked Ashley about her military training and how she was also part of a military family and the asari maiden began quizzing Kaidan on his biotics as both were served refreshments. 

_So easily taken off their guard?_

The voice was his, sending a small twitch down his spine as he had struggled, throwing off the blanket of lassitude as he walked into the Consort's private rooms. 

This time he had been invited. 

He felt a little uncomfortable being ushered in; the sense of being urged to _relax, forget, surrender_ felt like a tide coming up over his feet. 

Shepard clenched his teeth as he walked into the Consort's chambers. She was standing with her back towards him, before turning around and nodding, gesturing for him to sit down. 

"Commander, it has been quite some time. I take it that you have not been well?"

Shepard blinked. "That's... an interesting way to put it. What exactly can I do for you?"

"I have need of your services again. The Temple of Athame held many legends, and I believe one of them may be of use to you." Her eyes flickered dark, and Shepard gritted his teeth. "The planet you call Eden Prime has not yet yielded all its secrets to your archaeologists. Go back to the beginning, Commander." 

Shepard grunted; he felt like he was being caressed, stroked, and he didn't like it. Her words were musical, soothing and he would agree with anything she said. _Look into my eyes, and tell me you want me. Tell me you would kill for me._

Shepard hissed, shaking his head. "What do you think we'll find?"

"The next piece of the puzzle." _Anything I want_.

"Where did you," and his mouth tried to freeze as he fought to get the words out, tripping over his clumsy lips and tongue. "Why?"

The Consort paused. "I have not always been the Consort. As a maiden, I gave myself to the goddess and witnessed wonders that only someone who has gone through the same experience would understand. I am from a line of priestesses stretching back to the beginning of the Athame faith; legends say that my mothers' mothers were acolytes of the goddess herself. But my people are not acting, frozen in indecision. If they cannot move, then someone must." She leaned back, and Shepard took a deep breath, going limp against the sofa. 

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave, Commander. There are many more clients in need of my time."

Shepard got to his knees, wiping sweat from his face, then stopped. His nails had bitten his palms hard enough to draw blood.

"Tell me, though, before I go." An terrifying memory arose, with a mother standing over the body of her bravest and smartest child. "Do you have daughters of your own?" 

"Yes," and she gave him a sharp, predatory smile that sent a chill down his smile. "I am not an Ardat-Yakshi, Commander. Destiny does not like dead ends." But the smile fell from her face. "Your will is strong, Shepard. Yet the tests of the past will be nothing compared to those of the future. Remember that you need not face those battles alone."

 

Then she turned her back to him again, and Derek retreated.

 

To be continued  
Comments, questions and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try for shorter chapters to see if that gets them out faster, but I'm afraid that will effect the quality and flow of story telling. 
> 
> And if you can't tell, I'm a little fascinated and ambivalent about the asari themselves. They're a species that was created purely for fanservice, and it shows. But it's implied that they have a subtle ability to manipulate other species. What really cheeses me off though, is that the Thessia mission felt like they were 'putting those uppity sluts in their place.' I've also found where they datamined the November beta leak and its given me some inspiration. Please, bear with me?


	9. Noise and Confusion

  
** Carry On **

Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts, not me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all.

Warnings: adult language and situations, mentions of dub-con and non-con, mpreg, sexual situations, threesomes, gender-bending and birth. 

Characters/ pairings: Colonist War Hero Paragade ManShep/Kaidan/Garrus, others mentioned.

Summary: The Reapers are here, and amidst that backdrop, Commander Shepard struggles with gathering allies, caring for his child and fighting for his sanity.

~*~*~*~*~

Kaidan only got as far as the Citadel Embassy Lobby before his omni-tool pinged.

There was a new message; and Kaidan had to do a double-take when he saw it was from. It wasn't every day that he got a message from Councilor Udina.

_-Major._

_Meet me in my office in five minutes. I have an offer we need to discuss._

This was a sufficient distraction from trying to contact Bailey, and Bean was cooing. Kaidan checked him; diaper was still dry (but how long that would last, he had no idea) and he wasn't making the hungry cry yet. Instead he was fighting sleep, eyes rolling open and shut as the baby struggled to stay awake. 

"Must be nice," Kaidan murmured. "You get out of being poked and prodded and get to sleep whenever you want." He kissed Bean, noticing the eyes he was attracting. "I'll tell you what. Go to sleep and I'll let you know if anything interesting happens. Daddy's honor."

Bean's bottom lip poked out, but he seemed to take Daddy seriously as his eyes drifted shut. 

There really wasn't time to find someone else to take Bean; a quick search for his crewmates revealed them scattered, and anywhere but here. Shepard was moving from level to level, but then again, he always was. Garrus was stationary on the docks, but he was occupied with turian business. Kaidan licked his lips and looked down at his son before chuckling. 

Well, he had a perfect excuse to keep this meeting short. Then he realized where his thoughts had gone and laughed aloud. Derek was rubbing off on him. 

Walking through the embassies revealed sad tales in abundance. The people on the Citadel, who had done their best to cover their eyes and ears about the war, were finally getting shaken from their trees. Kaidan felt his arms tightening around his son as he listened to one poor woman ask about a son who was most likely dead, or others desperately trying to find their lost loved ones. 

His mind flashed to the many, many people he had no idea of the fate of; but he was also in the best place to try to end this madness. That was something none of the people here could say.

The door to the Human Embassy opened, and the asari secretary (and Kaidan had to lift an eyebrow about that) ushered him inside after taking a moment to exclaim on how cute his tiny human was. Kaidan took the compliment, and smiled at her, following her in to Udina's office. 

Udina had made some changes since Kaidan had worked there with Anderson; Anderson was a soldier through and through, and he had Spartan tastes. Udina, clearly, did not. A Ming vase, a Rembrandt, and brocaded curtains framed pictures of Udina talking with rich people. Kaidan had been to Anderson's apartment for drinks while he was working for the man on the Citadel; he could tell that Udina had been responsible for the decorating. Most of it was meant to impress, and little more.

Kaidan cleared his throat, and Udina looked up.

"Major, have a seat. Larissa, a pot of tea would be appreciated."

The asari Maiden nodded before excusing herself.

Udina rubbed his eyes with fingers that trembled before gesturing for Kaidan to sit, and Kaidan had to stop himself from staring. Udina's eyes were red and bloodshot, his suit rumpled with a blotted coffee stain peeking out on his shirt from under his jacket. 

"You wanted to see me, Councilor?"

"Yes. I didn't realize you would be bringing the child." His eyes narrowed at the baby sling against Kaidan's chest. 

"I had baby duty while Shepard ran errands," Kaidan explained. "Which could be anything from buying supplies, securing alliances or talking down a suicide. Five minutes didn't give me time for another sitter."

Udina harrumphed. "Fine. But you're wasted as a nanny, Major. You're a skilled man, with command experience, no PTSD and utterly honest. The Council could use you, and so could the Alliance. You're potential is going untapped."

Kaidan paused, narrowing his eyes. The ego stroking was nice, but... This was Udina, and he was at the heart of Citadel politics. "Thank you for the pep talk, Councilor, but I don't understand what you're getting at."

"The Council has decided to offer you the position as the next human Spectre."

Kaidan blinked, and Bean, who had apparently decided to wake up, made a small squeak. "That- you're- why?" He flashed through a dozen different emotions, from disbelief to gratification at the flattery. Kaidan knew he was good. He was a good leader, a good soldier, but he had been given a front row seat to why and how they had shoved Derek into that position. And those reasons were entirely political. He had been around the block often enough to be suspicious. 

But at the same time, _Spectre status_. That was one hell of a carrot.

"Why? I told you. We need a hero, Major, and you're probably the closest thing we have since Shepard went and blew up a star system."

"He didn't have any choice," Kaidan growled, half getting to his feet. He knew Shepard, and-

"Settle down, Major. He may have had no choice, but he couldn't be our golden boy anymore. We need someone to take the public face of the human Spectres and the Alliance and you would be the best candidate. Our people need _hope_ , Major. And Shepard is no longer able to do give it."

Kaidan felt his mouth open and shut several times, before shaking his head. "That's bull, Councilor. The Reapers' arrival just vindicated him-"

"Then do it for him, then, Major." Udina tented his fingers together in front of his mouth. "If not for the sake of your own career, then do this because Shepard shouldn't be shouldering this alone. He was thrown out there to bring down a rogue Spectre with just the title and few hours of Spectre training and he succeeded, against everything we threw at him." Udina gave Kaidan a grim smile. "Including myself. Then he died in the line of duty, saving as many as was humanly possible. Against all odds, and nature itself, he returned from the dead and stopped the Collectors from picking off our colonies one at a time. Again, without any help from us. Then he is taken down by his own _biology_. This is your opportunity to give Shepard the time he needs, Major. "

Kaidan patted Bean, leaning back in his chair, his heart aching and looking away. 

He looked down at Bean, who was peering up at him with his pale green eyes.

"Can I think about it? This isn't a decision to be made lightly."

"Of course, Major. But don't take too long. The Reapers certainly won't."

Kaidan stood to get up, before Udina cleared his throat. 

"May I take a look at this famous child?" The Councilor waved for Kaidan to come over, and Kaidan did so, cautiously, stopping just out of arms reach. His stomach flipped as he pulled Bean out. 

"I know how to hold infants, Major," Udina chided, when Kaidan hesitated. Kaidan hid his grimace; it wasn't like Udina could _hurt_ Bean with him standing there, y'know? But Bean started whimpering as soon as he was in Udina's arms. 

Udina didn't speak for several moments as he gave Bean a gravely stare. "What's his name?" he asked, trying to get Bean to grab his finger. Bean, however, refused to touch him.

"Gabriel Ashley Alenko, but most of us call him Bean."

Udina's eyes darted up to meet his, lips twitching into a sneer and then back to Bean. "Something so small..." He grunted. "It seems absurd that the Illusive Man would concern himself with one infant when the galaxy is burning. But far be it for me to question his motives." He offered Bean back to Kaidan. "I expect to hear back from you soon, Major."

Without much more fanfare, and not waiting for that pot of tea, Kaidan left the Councilor's office.

~*~*~*~*~

"Commander Shepard, we live in..." Miranda started to say, before trailing off, her jaw going slack before covering her mouth with one hand. "What in the blazes happened to you?"

Derek scowled, before wincing and touching the side of his face. Blood dabbed the end of his fingers. No wonder Cortez had been short of laughing at him the entire time they had talked. At least his jaw wasn't broken.

"Worked out an alliance with the Blood Pack and the Eclipse for Aria T'loak. Before that, I had my brain raked by Sha'ira the Consort-"

Miranda put her hand up. "And if you told me everything you had done in the past few hours, I'm sure it would take the rest of our time." Her smile was ironic, but it was kind. "At any rate, it is good to see you."

"You as well." Derek gestured for them to find a corner, out of the way of the Keeper seemed bent on suicide as it refused to avoid the people walking around it. "You disappeared after Bean's birth, and I was afraid you were still on Earth. I'm glad to see you are all right."

"Speaking of which, I take it your son is well? Has the Illusive Man made any more attempts to take him?" Miranda asked, her face bland but concerned. Her fingers, however, were a tangled and twisted mess. 

"No. Kaidan's taken him to Huerta Memorial for a well-baby visit, and I've not heard any reports of any trouble. He's growing up so _fast_ , Miranda. I know he just got here, but-"

A look of bittersweet envy crossed her face. "I understand. Ori-" she stopped and took a deep breath. "I... I had to leave, Shepard. Before the Reaper invasion, the protections I had in place to keep Ori safe started going dark. I went to investigate, and I found out something troubling."

Derek blinked and nodded, widening his stance. He owed Miranda: without her care, he might have lost Bean. Her presence had helped his mental stability almost as much as Anderson's visits, especially after she kicked out his old, creepy doctor. If she asked, he would do his best to help her.

"I appreciate the offer, Shepard, and if I need a door kicked down, I know just who to call." She glanced off to the side. "The problem is that I don't know if it was my father after Ori... or Cerberus, after Chandra."

Derek rubbed the back of his head, trying to remember. "That... wasn't that Orianna's adoptive sister? What would Cerberus want with a baby?" His mind focused on red hair, blue eyes and the fearless, happy smile of someone who had never met a stranger. Then he realized what he had said and laughed. "Hell, that's the billion credit question. Maybe the Illusive Man is starting a daycare for particularly cute babies?"

Miranda's expression was blank and uncomfortable. "He probably wants his daughter back."

Derek felt like he had been given a love-tap by a Brute. " _What_?"  
Miranda shifted her weight, her eyes fixed somewhere over Derek's right shoulder. "If it is _not_ my father, then Cerberus would be the most likely culprit. He..." She licked her lips. "Shepard, Chandra is, still is, the daughter of," and she crossed her arms, taking a deep breath. "A former Cerberus operative. Very bull-headed, stubborn, strong-willed, and one of the most effective that I ever had the privilege of working with. She," and Miranda licked her lips again, "she also frequently butted heads with the Illusive Man. And he, in turn, was obsessed."

"Sounds like the beginning of a bad soap opera," Derek said, attempting levity to cover his unease. One of his hands squeezed a nearby rail; it dented.

"This isn't funny, Shepard," Miranda murmured. "I _still_ can't understand why the Illusive Man did it. He could have had any woman he wanted, and most would have come willingly and left with a smile. He can be very charming when he puts his mind to it." She flashed a weak half-smirk at Derek, along with a shrug to say that she was no exception. "But I doubt this was about lust. He wanted to punish... her. And she wound up pregnant for it."

"He raped her. And she went through with the pregnancy?" Derek didn't realize he had his hand over his mouth until he lowered it. 

"She didn't have a choice."

"You know your boss is evil, right, Miranda?" Derek spat. He crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels. He felt echoes of his own birthing pains up and down his back, and he had to remind himself that it hadn't been much more than two weeks since Bean. "What were you-"

Miranda drooped. " _Ex_ -boss. It was the first time my loyalty to the Illusive Man was ever tested," she admitted. "It was obvious who had done the deed, because there was no one else who could have covered their tracks so well, especially on a Cerberus station. And when Chandra was born, the Illusive Man told me he wanted her put somewhere safe. I put her with the best family I knew." She took a deep breath, giving Derek a searching look. Derek frowned back at her. "The Illusive Man probably wants Chandra back so he can manipulate her mother. If that's the case, Ori is expendable. If it is my father, then Chandra is. I'm responsible for them both."

"What do you want me to-"

Miranda shook her head. "This is my problem, Shepard." Her face crumpled. "But I wanted you to know in case... something happened. I'm here to turn over stones, and people on the Citadel still owe me favors." She patted his shoulder, eyes searching his. "When I know something for sure, I'll let you know."

"Okay." He felt a weird shiver down his belly. "I understand." He found himself with his hands on his stomach, rubbing it like he had less than a month ago, feeling Bean shift and kick and wiggle. Bean had been conceived with the two people he trusted and loved most, and Derek had wanted Bean fiercely. The idea of his body going through that hell for a pregnancy forced on him? 

He shuddered, a pained longing squeezing his chest. "I need to find my baby," he murmured, half to himself. When he looked up to find Miranda's pitying smile, he frowned again. 

"I know you do, Shepard." She put a hand on the uninjured side of his face. "I'll keep in touch."

Derek grimaced as she walked away, disappearing into the crowd away from the port. He walked towards the glass, taking a deep breath and checking his omni-tool. Derek needed to find Bean, see him, hold him, know that his little boy was safe and healthy and there. He couldn't breathe around it. He started to tap on his omni-tool, trying to find a location-

He was already walking towards the elevator when it opened in front of him, and a tall woman got out. He passed her by, turning around to punch in the location on the elevator, and looked up.

Her hair was red, darker than he remembered, but when she turned and caught the side of her face he felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Heat leached out of his body as his heart thudded in his throat as he slapped for the elevator to close.

She hadn't turned, hadn't seen him, but he knew it couldn't be her. It just couldn't be.

Jane had died on Mindoir. 

He had finally gone mad. 

To be continued. 

Questions, comments and criticisms welcomed and encouraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter that took longer to put out than I had anticipated. My birthday, as well as others, kept me busy along with just life in general. I've been wanting to write more from Garrus' POV, but it has been very hard to find something for him to do. I also had to decide how much I wanted to add from the November Beta Leak. This chapter was supposed to introduce us to Javik, but there really wasn't a point to rewrite the entire mission, especially from Garrus' POV. So I'll have to wait until we finally get to Tuchunka for that. I wanted, however, to put Miranda's subplot of trying to rescue Ori and Chandra, as well as show how and why this version of Kaidan would react to the Spectre offer. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
